WHY do you say that?
And by “that” I mean, “Parenting a gay son/lesbian daughter." Is it different than parenting a straight child? If you have an answer, I would love to hear it.
When my oldest son was about 14, Roy and I sensed that perhaps something was up with him. I say "up with him” because I don’t necessarily think he was NOT normal. So, instead of wondering, I asked him when we were driving to the grocery store one morning. It was just he and I in the car, and I told him that whatever he told me could be between us.
“Corey, are you bisexual?” And I asked that because he had short-term girlfriends in the past. “Do you think you might be gay?”
The reasons that I asked this question aren’t important. What was important to me at the time was Corey knowing that no matter what he said, I would love him, and I would be there for him.
“I think I am.” He told me, and there was a strength to his voice that I didn’t expect to hear.
“You think… you’re gay? Bisexual?" I wasn’t sure what he was confirming.
"No, I’m gay." He looked at me, and what I will always remember was that I didn’t see a fear in his eyes. I didn’t see him seeking me out for reassurance that I still loved him, that he was still "ok.” I think he knew that no matter what he said, he was still my son.
And here is where I falter. My oldest son is gay, but I don’t parent him differently than I do my straight sons. There isn’t one set of rules for the gay child and another for the straight. Roy and I still talk to Corey about the consequences of sex, and while I am not worried about him getting another young man pregnant, I do worry that in the heat of the moment precautions might not be taken and an STD could be contracted. So I tell him that sex isn’t worth your life. A moment of pleasure isn’t worth a lifetime of health problems, just as I tell Joe. (Of course, for Joe we mention pregnancy. So, ok, perhaps that is one difference.)
But I still expect him to do well in school, I still expect him to have some sort of game plan for graduation, and I still want him to find someone that makes him feel the way his dad makes me feel. I know he wants children and has expressed a desire to adopt, and I hope that happens - whether he is in a relationship or single. I want ALL my children to be happy, with Corey should he choose to be with someone, that someone will just be a man, and not a woman.
I think some might be surprised, might think I am nonchalant about this. I’m not, but I also don’t think that it was the life shocker that some might believe. I watched a show today, actually it was Oprah’s show from yesterday, and one mother said that upon learning her daughter was a lesbian, she had to redefine all her dreams for her daughter? My thought… huh? What exactly was her dream for her daughter here?
When Corey told me he was gay, my first thought was, Roy and I were right. My second was I hope he knows that not everyone is as accepting as our family. (and yes I am proud to say we are an open-minded family.) But I didn’t have to redefine my parenting techniques, and I didn’t have to redefine the dreams I had for my son. I still hope one day he will be happy and successful at whatever he chooses to pursue as a career. I still hope that he finds love - be it just loving and trusting himself or someone else. I still dream of holding my grandchild for the first time (HOWEVER that grandchild comes into our family - adoption, a surrogate, whatever!) What dreams did this woman on Oprah have for her daughter that she was so broken upon hearing her daughter was a lesbian?
Do I worry about the bigotry my son might receive because of who he might choose to love? Yes, I do. When I hear of gay teens committing suicide, I cry. I want to hug their parents, I want to see the people that tormented them punished, but I won’t let it define my son. I won’t request of him that he hide who he is because some people are ignorant.
There are a few guys Corey is friends with that are straight, and I am happy that there are young men in high school to see beyond the labels. They like or dislike Corey for who he is, not because of his sexual orientation. But there are some kids, girls included, that still think calling him and other gay students names and ridiculing them is cool. It’s still accepted… well, it isn’t cool. Just like it isn’t cool for Corey to call you names because you aren’t gay. (Is there a straight slur? I dont’ know!) My son doesn’t shove his preference in your face. He doesn’t demand special treatment because he is gay. He just wants what everyone else wants - to be able to live his life without punishment for being who he is.
I don’t understand what standing in the hallway and calling my son, or any gay student, a queer, or the “F” word (hate that word!) does for you? I don’t get the humor in it. Corey understands that not every young man is gay. He isn’t going to seek to convert someone because he thinks that person is cute… and yet, somehow just the simple fact of him being gay means it is ok to call him a name.
My oldest son is gay. I say I am proud of him, not because he is gay (that’s just who he is), but because he didn’t feel the need to hide who he was. He doesn’t walk around screaming he is gay, but he doesn’t hide it if asked either. He is more comfortable in his skin at 16 than some people are at my age, and for that Roy and I are very proud. I am proud that Joe and Addi (Hayden and Dean are still too young, though Hayden does know what being gay means) don’t see this as something that needs to be defended, it just simply is. Corey might bring home a young man one day, and we might like him, we might love him, or he might suck. Just like the young women the other boys may bring home one day.
Addi told me that one of the neighborhood kids made fun of him by saying, “You’re brother is gay.”
Addi’s response… “Ok, and?"
That’s it, that’s all he said. I like that Addi didn’t feel the need to get righteous or overly defensive, he just knew that all that kid was doing was stating a fact. Bravo!
As their mother, my first thought will ALWAYS be to defend my sons. At the same time I know that no matter what their sexual preference, the boys will find someone out there that won’t like them, and the best I can hope for is that Roy and I have given them the tools to deal with that.
I think, for the most part, Corey shakes off the ignorance. He understands that not everyone is accepting, even in 2011, but he also knows who he is. He knows that standing up for yourself, doens’t always mean confronting those that wrong you, because sometimes the ignorance is just too deep. He understands that sometimes that hatred comes from young people not being able to accept who THEY are, and really has nothing to do with him, but it also isn’t his job to force someone else to confront what they might be hiding.
Being the parent of a teenage, or even a young adult, that is gay, doesn’t mean your dreams for them must take a different path. And I still wonder what dreams you have for your child that they can not accomplish if they are gay. All it means is that maybe your son’s partner might be named Christopher and not Christina.
Or perhaps I should say… that’s all it means to me.
