Corey was almost 14 when he came out to us. And since then, I think we’ve  learned a few things.  I type this not to imply that we know it all, or that we can fix all the problems out there. No, I post this because I believe strongly that being gay doesn’t necessarily mean, Corey needs to be parented differently.

I recently read a blog post that reminded me a bit of where Roy and I were almost 8 years ago.  And parts of it, well it upset me.

Let me explain:

I’ve never viewed being gay as something that needed to be fixed.  It’s simply one part of who Corey is.  We don’t see him as our gay son (just as Joe, Addi, Hayden and Dean aren’t our straight sons).  He is simply one of our sons.

Sure, I worried that he might be the victim of bullying, prejudiced or ignorance, but guess what-I worry about that for my other boys too.

Another thing I learned was to be respectful of how he wanted to tell his friends about this.  Writing about it on my blog wasn’t going to happen, until he expressed to me that he was cool with it.  I wasn’t going to mention it to causal acquaintances, until he expressed that he was cool with it.  NOT because we were ashamed, but because frankly, it’s nobody’s business.  Just like it isn’t anybody’s business who the other boys are dating.

I learned, very quickly, that preconceived notions are ridiculous.  Corey isn’t gay because he likes musicals.  Not does his being gay mean he doesn’t like sports. Not all gay men wear eyeliner and are effeminate.  Just like not all straight men wear flannel and like football.  Homosexuals come in all shapes, sizes and colors-and to pigeonhole something as a gay attribute, well that is just silly.

I learned that letting him set the tone was helpful in him becoming more confident and secure about who he was.  On the other hand, doesn’t that hold true for most of us?  We weren’t going to drag him to a gay pride parade anymore than I was going to send him to church camp to ‘cure him.’

We learned that we would like some of his boyfriends, and not like others.  Just as we would like some of the boys’ girlfriends and dislike others.

We learned that the dreams we had/have for our son didn’t change because he might marry John instead of Jane.  We want him to be happy, to be a productive member of society and to know that we always have his back.  NOT because he is gay and we feel he needs to be protected more, but because he is our son, and knowing you have a strong support system is important.

I learned that reading a book isn’t going to teach me anything, but listening to my son will.  Because just like not all straight people are the same, neither are all gay people.

But most importantly, I learned that if Roy and I didn’t make a big deal about it, Corey would learn that it wasn’t.  Being gay isn’t what defines him, just like being straight isn’t what defines me, or Roy.  It’s simply a part of who he is. I can’t make the world accept him for being gay, just like I can’t make the world accept everything about the other boys.  What I can do is make him understand that he is our son-not our gay son-but our son.  And that we love him.

There’s a ‘letter’ going around the net that says something like this:

Dear Son,

I heard you talking to Mark last night about planning to come out to us. No need, we know you are gay, and the only thing I want you to plan is to bring home bread and OJ after class.

Love, Dad

PS: Your mom and I think you and Mark make a cute couple.

I say letter in quotes because I don’t know if it’s real or just a nice sentiment.  And I’ve written about this before, but someone shared that letter with me on FB.  I’m assuming because our oldest, Corey, is a young gay man.  So, I want to say this.

It’s awesome that people are so accepting.  Roy and I had no issues with Corey being gay, but we would be irresponsible parents if we said, that we thought nothing of it.

Now, let me clarify.  We didn’t care that his significant other’s name might be Jack instead of Jill.  We didn’t care that when it came time for children, his would most likely be adopted.  It didn’t bother us that he was gay, but we would be lying if we said there were NO issues.

We worried that others, especially in our smaller town, wouldn’t be so accepting.  And knowing Corey (he can be a hothead, just like his mom) he might NOT be so willing to turn the other cheek.  If things escalated, it would then be branded a hate crime, rather than kids fighting-a whole different ballgame.  Or it COULD be a hate crime, maybe Corey was just being a jerk that day, who knows!

We had to educate ourselves on gay sex (for lack of a better term) and we made sure to do so, because we weren’t willing to let our son be a statistic.

We had to watch how our son behaved, and this part was tricky.  Roy and I are pretty affectionate with each other and the kids.  We tell them we love them, and hug them all the time, but there comes a time when getting that love from a partner becomes important as well.  And in our small town there is no booming 'gay scene.’ No nightclubs for them to dance at, hell no clubs period! He didn’t have to seek out affection.  It might be harder in high school, but as he gets older and spreads his wing he would have more chances to meet people. 

We had to do our part in helping him accept and become comfortable and then proud of who he was.   Being gay isn’t necessarily what makes Roy and I proud of Corey, but being confident in who he is-that fills us with pride.

We had to teach him that being gay wasn’t something to apologize for.  It’s who he is-simple as that.

I didn’t have to teach myself or adjust my expectations for him because let’s get real.  My expectation for him wasn’t that he would be a straight man, have a job that pays well, that he would marry and have kids, etc, etc.  No, we wanted him to work hard in school, we wanted him to find a career that would make him happy and allow him to earn a living, and we want him to ultimately find that one person that he wants to come home to and share his day with, maybe raise children with.

I’m not saying being the parent of a gay child means my life is different or unmanageable, in fact it’s no different than being the parent of a straight child. On the other hand, the things we might worry about ARE different.

What I wonder is this: are parents under so much outside pressure to accept their gay child that they take it a step further and become SO accepting they pretend that they have NO worries?  

Because that isn’t doing your child any good either.

I’ll step off my soap box now.

I think my views on gay marriage, religion etc are pretty clear.

Our son is gay, and we support him-100%. But aside from that, why am I going to tell TWO CONSENTING ADULTS (no, I don’t support pedophilia, bestiality, etc, etc) that who they love is wrong, because I happen to be straight.

I don’t think one chooses to be gay. I DO think some choose to experiment at certain times in their lives, and again, I’m ok with that. But I don’t think our son, sat in his room one day, and said, “Gee, I think I’ll be gay. Why not?” I believe he was born that way, and learned to accept who he was.

I do take issue with someone saying they ‘don’t believe in gay couples or gay marriage.“ Why?  Because gay couples aren’t unicorns?! They don’t live in NeverNever land with Captain Hook and Peter Pan. They exist!  They have children, they pay taxes, buy houses, shop for groceries, just like you and I. It isn’t that you don’t believe in them, you don’t agree with what you call 'their lifestyle choices.’.

I don’t buy the whole 'love the sinner, hate the sin’ mantra.  My son is a gay man. His boyfriends have all been gay. It’s how he is. Just as I would find it ridiculous to think someone hated me because I was straight. This isnt’ a lifestyle choice. How can you compare it to being eco-friendly or a gym rat?  It’s their LIFE. It’s who they are.

And no, despite how I feel, I don’t think you MUST accept my son, or any gay couple for that matter. You have your beliefs, and I’ll respect that.

But I won’t walk up to you on the street and call you an asshole or a jerk, so why do you believe it’s ok to walk up to someone like my son and call him names?

Don’t say you respect someone when you condemn them, that isn’t respect. Either own your bigotry or get out.

I dont’ think hiding behind religion makes you more of a man/woman. I think it makes you a coward. Now, before I’m stoned, IF you want me to respect your religious beliefs, than you must also give me that same respect.

Ok, where was I.  I think hiding behind someone else’s words makes you a coward. Come up with your own reasoning for why young men and women yes, LIKE our son, should be sent to hell for accepting who they are.

Dont’ expect me to clap for you, and pat you on the back when you tell me that, "Once my son repents for his sins, all will be forgiven.” Cause let’s be real…who the hell are you to judge anyone?  (This is just a general you, not anyone in particular) Who are you to say that YOUR definition of sin is the right one?  Why do YOU get to decide who does and who doesn’t live gloriously in the afterlife?

Glee has been hitting it out of the park for me lately.  I know not everyone is a fan, but I love music. I love the idea of a show about kids standing tall and believing in themselves. And Glee has been showcasing that lately.

But last night’s episode really hit home.  Roy hasn’t seen it, though I am sure we will talk about it.  Corey hasn’t seen the whole episode, but what he did see he was touched by.

If you watch the show, you know the backstory with David Karofsky (a.k.a. Dave).  He was a bully, admittedly, rather one dimensional in the beginning, but they really took a chance when they had him ‘come out’ with Kurt.  Dave is/was a football player - the stereotypical alpha male - homosexuality is a weakness, it was wrong, and it was something he could not admit to himself.  He switched schools, and this season was him trying to comes to terms with who he really is (what little we saw of him).  The character made great strides, but he was still not strong enough to come out at his new school.  Through a series of events, he was outed in a cruel and horrible way, but one I (sadly) don’t think is unusual in certain schools.  As a retort, the character is shown trying to take his own life.

As the mother of a gay young man, my heart broke.  Sure, it’s just TV, but there was a very small scene of Dave’s father holding his son crying and screaming, begging him to wake up.  And as the mother of a young man that is gay, I would be lying if I said I never feared that one day that moment would be ours.

Brandon Teena, Jamey Rodemeyer, Larry King, Jamie Hubley, Matthew Shepard - and those are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.  All young men; all described by family and friends as kind, caring, loving, forgiving, intelligent… and gay.  Killed because others were afraid of who these young men might love.

Nevermind that we want to ask if it is anyone’s business, nevermind that they weren’t hurting anyone, nevermind that lives were lost and families destroyed because other young people are not taught to 'live and let live.' 

How do we as parents give our gay teens (and even our heterosexual teens) the strength to believe in themselves when we have fear in our own hearts for their safety?

How do teenagers learn to be proud of who they are when simply being who they are offends others?

It’s hard for us with Corey.  He is just like me, in that he will rarely back down from confrontation.  He speaks his mind, fights for what he thinks is right - and we are so proud of him for that.  I don’t want him to change, and yet it’s hard to teach a headstrong young man when you need to walk away. 

Being called names is one thing - ignorance is rarely something you can change with a dirty look or a well timed comeback.  But how do you teach a child that if you confront the name callers, it might escalate?

We give Corey a mixed message - we tell him to stand up for himself, and yet I worry that one day someone might take it to the next level.

Many (not all) people that think homosexuality is wrong, believe they have God on their side.  To them that’s a pretty powerful ally.  And though I firmly believe that God would not cast aside a good person because they were gay, not everyone feels that way.  Religious beliefs are a powerful motivator.

And yet, how do we educate (and I use that word for lack of a better one, as I don’t necessarily think I have the tools to educate someone about their beliefs) those that look at the world with a more closed mind, that being gay isn’t a disease?  It isn’t an illness that a shot can cure?  

Gay teens are 3 to 4 (some studies say more) times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts.  A sobering statistic. Especially when you look at the teen suicide statistics in general. And yet is enough being done in the schools?

A few years ago, Corey got in trouble for insinuating two boys were getting intimate in the showers at school.  When I asked him why he said that, he admitted to it and said that they had called him names for weeks, and he had finally had enough.  I won’t repeat some of the names they called him. I am sure you can guess.  He was given one day of in school suspension.  I’m fine with that, but I wanted to be sure the other boys also received some sort of discipline.  When I spoke with the counselor, her response was basically, “well the other boys told first… and isn’t Corey really gay…”

HUH?  So, because my son actually IS gay, it’s okay for them to call him vulgar names?  Are you kidding me?  And it wasn’t until I threatened to go over her head that she 'saw my point’ and gave the other boys a day of in school suspension as well.  So the school has a 'no bullying’ policy, but if the name 'fits,’ it doesn’t really matter how vulgar or nasty it is?  Sorry, that sends the wrong message, and I wonder how many other school are the same way.

Do we tell our kids that it ISN’T cool to laugh when someone calls someone else a vulgar name?  That it makes them just as bad as the name-caller?  Do we remind our kids that sometimes silence is just as bad as bullying?  Because by doing nothing, we are telling the bully that he/she is doing nothing wrong?  Do we share stories of kids that felt they had no other way out?  And then do we hold them close and tell them they are not alone?

If we don’t, then we should.

And by “that” I mean, “Parenting a gay son/lesbian daughter."  Is it different than parenting a straight child?  If you have an answer, I would love to hear it.

When my oldest son was about 14, Roy and I sensed that perhaps something was up with him.  I say "up with him” because I don’t necessarily think he was NOT normal.  So, instead of wondering, I asked him when we were driving to the grocery store one morning.  It was just he and I in the car, and I told him that whatever he told me could be between us.

“Corey, are you bisexual?”  And I asked that because he had short-term girlfriends in the past. “Do you think you might be gay?”

The reasons that I asked this question aren’t important.  What was important to me at the time was Corey knowing that no matter what he said, I would love him, and I would be there for him.

“I think I am.” He told me, and there was a strength to his voice that I didn’t expect to hear.

“You think… you’re gay?  Bisexual?"  I wasn’t sure what he was confirming.

"No, I’m gay."  He looked at me, and what I will always remember was that I didn’t see a fear in his eyes.  I didn’t see him seeking me out for reassurance that I still loved him, that he was still "ok.”  I think he knew that no matter what he said, he was still my son.

And here is where I falter.  My oldest son is gay, but I don’t parent him differently than I do my straight sons.  There isn’t one set of rules for the gay child and another for the straight.  Roy and I still talk to Corey about the consequences of sex, and while I am not worried about him getting another young man pregnant, I do worry that in the heat of the moment precautions might not be taken and an STD could be contracted.  So I tell him that sex isn’t worth your life.  A moment of pleasure isn’t worth a lifetime of health problems, just as I tell Joe.  (Of course, for Joe we mention pregnancy.  So, ok, perhaps that is one difference.)

But I still expect him to do well in school, I still expect him to have some sort of game plan for graduation, and I still want him to find someone that makes him feel the way his dad makes me feel.  I know he wants children and has expressed a desire to adopt, and I hope that happens - whether he is in a relationship or single.  I want ALL my children to be happy, with Corey should he choose to be with someone, that someone will just be a man, and not a woman.

I think some might be surprised, might think I am nonchalant about this.  I’m not, but I also don’t think that it was the life shocker that some might believe.  I watched a show today, actually it was Oprah’s show from yesterday, and one mother said that upon learning her daughter was a lesbian, she had to redefine all her dreams for her daughter?  My thought… huh?  What exactly was her dream for her daughter here?

When Corey told me he was gay, my first thought was, Roy and I were right.  My second was I hope he knows that not everyone is as accepting as our family.  (and yes I am proud to say we are an open-minded family.)  But I didn’t have to redefine my parenting techniques, and I didn’t have to redefine the dreams I had for my son.  I still hope one day he will be happy and successful at whatever he chooses to pursue as a career.  I still hope that he finds love - be it just loving and trusting himself or someone else.  I still dream of holding my grandchild for the first time (HOWEVER that grandchild comes into our family - adoption, a surrogate, whatever!)  What dreams did this woman on Oprah have for her daughter that she was so broken upon hearing her daughter was a lesbian?

Do I worry about the bigotry my son might receive because of who he might choose to love?  Yes, I do.  When I hear of gay teens committing suicide, I cry.  I want to hug their parents, I want to see the people that tormented them punished, but I won’t let it define my son.  I won’t request of him that he hide who he is because some people are ignorant.

There are a few guys Corey is friends with that are straight, and I am happy that there are young men in high school to see beyond the labels.  They like or dislike Corey for who he is, not because of his sexual orientation.  But there are some kids, girls included, that still think calling him and other gay students names and ridiculing them is cool.  It’s still accepted… well, it isn’t cool.  Just like it isn’t cool for Corey to call you names because you aren’t gay.  (Is there a straight slur?  I dont’ know!) My son doesn’t shove his preference in your face.  He doesn’t demand special treatment because he is gay.  He just wants what everyone else wants - to be able to live his life without punishment for being who he is.

I don’t understand what standing in the hallway and calling my son, or any gay student, a queer, or the “F” word (hate that word!) does for you?  I don’t get the humor in it.  Corey understands that not every young man is gay.  He isn’t going to seek to convert someone because he thinks that person is cute… and yet, somehow just the simple fact of him being gay means it is ok to call him a name.

My oldest son is gay.  I say I am proud of him, not because he is gay (that’s just who he is), but because he didn’t feel the need to hide who he was.  He doesn’t walk around screaming he is gay, but he doesn’t hide it if asked either.  He is more comfortable in his skin at 16 than some people are at my age, and for that Roy and I are very proud.  I am proud that Joe and Addi (Hayden and Dean are still too young, though Hayden does know what being gay means) don’t see this as something that needs to be defended, it just simply is.  Corey might bring home a young man one day, and we might like him, we might love him, or he might suck. Just like the young women the other boys may bring home one day.

Addi told me that one of the neighborhood kids made fun of him by saying, “You’re brother is gay.”

Addi’s response… “Ok, and?" 

That’s it, that’s all he said.  I like that Addi didn’t feel the need to get righteous or overly defensive, he just knew that all that kid was doing was stating a fact.  Bravo!

As their mother, my first thought will ALWAYS be to defend my sons.  At the same time I know that no matter what their sexual preference, the boys will find someone out there that won’t like them, and the best I can hope for is that Roy and I have given them the tools to deal with that.

I think, for the most part, Corey shakes off the ignorance.  He understands that not everyone is accepting, even in 2011, but he also knows who he is.  He knows that standing up for yourself, doens’t always mean confronting those that wrong you, because sometimes the ignorance is just too deep.  He understands that sometimes that hatred comes from young people not being able to accept who THEY are, and really has nothing to do with him, but it also isn’t his job to force someone else to confront what they might be hiding.

Being the parent of a teenage, or even a young adult, that is gay, doesn’t mean your dreams for them must take a different path.  And I still wonder what dreams you have for your child that they can not accomplish if they are gay.  All it means is that maybe your son’s partner might be named Christopher and not Christina. 

Or perhaps I should say… that’s all it means to me.

Ok, no, I’m not singing that old school jam by Naughty by Nature.

As many of you know, our oldest son is gay, and I often talk about that here.  I do so for a number of reasons - it’s a part of our life, I have strong beliefs when it comes to the LGBT community and their rights, I’m proud of Corey for being secure in his convictions, etc.  It’s a topic I am passionate about, and so I share our experiences.  Do we have all the answers?  Of course not, our son is only 17, but I do know how we have dealt with this up until now.  

I wonder if perhaps I come across as ‘preachy,’ though I try not too.  I realize not everyone believes as we do. Some have convictions just as strong, and they rest on the opposite side of the fence.  Though I don’t agree with the idea that homosexuality is a sin, I wouldn’t come right out and tell someone they are wrong and that they are going to hell for their beliefs.

But I am writing today because I was accused of looking for applause.  I was told that perhaps I am seeking a pat on the back because I think I am 'doing the right thing.’

Well, let me say this… yes, I am proud. I’m proud that my husband and I raised our son to know his own mind.  To be secure and strong in his beliefs. I’m proud that he knew that telling Roy and I wouldn’t change the way we felt about him, and so he told us as soon as he knew his own mind.

I’m proud that in sharing our experiences here I have gotten some responses from the LGBT community telling me that Roy and I are doing ok.  That some of the choices we have made with our son, are a good thing.  That put my mind at ease.

I’m proud that the family we have told have reacted simply and matter of factly.  I know that Corey was worried about telling grandparents.

I’m proud that Corey has sought out and found friends - of both sexes - that could care less about his sexual orientations.  Something I am very happy about as kids this age (6-18), especially young men, can be very cruel especially if they aren’t sure of their own sexual orientation.

I’m proud of the younger boys (Joe is 16, Addi is almost 13, Hayden is almost 8, and Dean is 4) for understanding that Corey being gay is just a part of who and what he is.  It isn’t a big deal to them.

I’m proud that one of the few times someone said something to the younger boys about Corey, they responded intelligently and did not let the situation escalate into violence.

So, back to the original question - am I looking for plaudits?  Applause?  Pats on the back?  

From one person.  I only care that that one person knows we are doing our best.  I only want approval (or criticisms if need be) from one person.  I only want a hug and a thank you from one person.

Our son.

I wanted to go into a bit more depth about my post yesterday.

My oldest son is 17.  He came out to us about 3 years ago, but Roy and I had our suspicions that he might be gay.  Like many other parents, I have always said I wouldn’t care if my son was gay or straight.  It was a non-issue for me. We just wanted a healthy son. BUT, it’s easy to say that when you look at it as a “what if he is” or a “maybe he is.” It’s a whole other story when you get confirmation.

So, please indulge me a bit and allow me to share our experiences with you.

But first I want to get this quiz out of the way…

It’s great that people say they wouldn’t care either way.  Ok, and?  This is your child you are talking about!  You brought them into this world, and now you expect applause because you say you will love them if they are gay? Sorry, not enough in my book.

Will you welcome their lover/boyfriend/girlfriend into your home with open arms?  Will you throw them the same wedding you would had they been straight?  Will you stand by their side when they have to fight for the same rights as your straight child - e.g., to be recognized legally for joining together in marriage with someone they love?  Will you support their decision to adopt and/or use a surrogate?  Will you stand between them and someone that is willing to do them harm simply because they love someone named Michael and not Michelle?  When someone uses the term f*g will you say something to them?  Will you stop using it yourself?

Will you be able to talk openly with your gay son/daughter about sex in the same way you do your straight children?  Are you willing to educate yourself on gay sex to do so?  Will you cut ties with someone that is against homosexuality, or will you allow their bigotry?  If someone ridicules your child, will you step in if need be?

I could go on and on and on, but I think you get the point.  It is so easy to say that you wouldn’t care either way, but until you are actually told by your child that they are gay, it’s just words, and words are easy to say. If your child is young, then much of what I am asking is a long way off for you, but it is still something to think about.

I was watching a show a few months ago, Oprah I think, and a mother said when she learned her daughter was a lesbian, she had to change all the dreams she had for her.  HUH?  I was very confused about that.  What exactly were her dreams for her daughter? (Actually I posted about this previously.) But anyways…

When Corey confirmed our suspicions, I took some time to think about it. Did my opinion of my son change?  Would I be able to accept his boyfriend when the time came?  

And my answers - No, my opinion didn’t change. And, yes, I would accept his boyfriend/husband as long as he treated my son with love and respect.

On the other hand, I would be lying if I said a part of me didn’t worry about my boy.  Kids in high school, especially, other boys are often not as secure with their sexuality as older people are.  Would he lose friends?  Would the friends that stayed by his side do so with no reservations and/or limitations?  If he was being ridiculed, would anyone step in and defend him?

And the answers, his true friends didn’t care.  He is popular with the girls (cliché, I know, right?) and he has a few male friends that love and accept him for who he is.  The few times he has faced ridicule, his friends were at his side, but I am also proud to say he stuck up for himself in a way that was both mature and responsible.

I worry that one day he will face bigotry, and it might escalate into violence, so Roy and I tell him that if he ever feels threatened to walk away and hold his temper.  And we speak with him about sex because being unsafe isn’t worth your life - gay, straight, or otherwise.

It isn’t easy being a gay teen in high school.  Many kids still don’t know who they are. And if they can’t accept themselves, how do they accept others?  But I like to think it is easier for our son, because he knows Roy and I stand beside him.

To begin, no I’m not talking about ‘That’ f word.  You know the one, the one that starts with 'f’ and ends with 'k.’ The word that is often used to describe really dirty (and sometimes great!) sex.

No, I’m talking about that other 'F’ word.  That one that starts with 'f’ and ends with ’t’ or a 'g’ if you shorten it.  The one that was used to disparage my son on one to many occasions.

Today on Facebook some kid I don’t know, a friend of a friend if you will, dropped it like it was no big deal.  He simply used it to point out how bad of a hillbilly some nameless hillbilly was.

And I saw the comment, and at 5:30 in the morning, I sat there and thought: “Say nothing?  I don’t know this kid, do I care if he’s a homophobic twit?” And then it dawned on me, that he most likely does NOT think said hillbilly is a homosexual, but rather it was simply a 'bad’ word and he was just gonna throw it out there.

So, I said: “Yes, that’s exactly what F*g’s do! When are people going to start realizing how offensive that word is and stop using it?”

And so here you go. I realize that this kid (hopefully)most likely isn’t a homophobe, that he’s so immune to how truly nasty that word can be and he probably drops is daily.

He probably thinks I’m an overly sensitive women, maybe even a lesbian and am on some crusade to abolish the word.

But I’m not.  I’m just a mom with a gay son and I’m tired of hearing that word dropped as easily as I might say “Hello.”

My son was called that name, as a means to insult him, one to many times.  It’s gotten so easy to ignore it, that the administration in his former high school chalked it up to 'boys will be boys.’

And yet, racial slurs are NOT tolerated in any shape or form.  A boy calling a girl a c**t or a bitch is a no-no.  But it’s ok to call gay teens faggot (just typing it out pisses me off!) or queer?

And to do so because you want to hurt them.  You want to embarrass them in the hallways, you want to shame them.  You want to point out that they are different, and therefore not as accepted.

The young man form FB that I’m speaking with came back with this gem:

“Jesus, get the stick out of your ass.”

And there you have it, he thinks the problem is MINE.  He can’t possibly understand that he used a word that has caused a lot of pain.  he can’t fathom it, because as Macklemore says (IN his AMAZING SONG, Same Love") we’ve become numb to what we’re saying.

It’s easy to sit on a computer and say, You’re uptight, it’s just a word, and yet have you every hurled that word at a gay teen?  Have you seen the light dim in their eyes just a tiny bit more when you laugh after calling them that?  When no one comes to their defense?

WOULD you call someone that to their face in anger?  Would you have the balls to, the guts, the misguided conviction?  Or can you only do it behind a keyboard?  When you don’t need to look someone in the face?

There are times when I wonder, “Am I too sensitive?”

And then I see something like this.  I go to Busch Gardens and see someone call a young person a faggot, and I notice the hurt on their face.  I remember the assistant principal try to brush off what two boys said to my son over and over and over again during his Freshman and Sophomore year of high school, and I realize nope, I’m not overly sensitive.

It amazes me that people are so blind to the damage that words can do, that they actively try to dump the blame on someone else.

“Oh, you’re too senstive.”

“Just ignore me.”

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Now, I realize me pointing out the ignorance of their ways is usually a moot point.  It’s usually my problem, and I should just ignore it, and yet, I keep thinking maybe one day, I’ll open my mouth at the right time, and some kid MIGHT get it.

Maybe I’ll say something to the person using this offensive language, and the person on the receiving end, will smile just a little bit.

Maybe, Just maybe

Want to help? Read this post and share your story or insight… 

We are pretty open about our oldest son’s sexuality. He is almost 18 and has been “out” for about 3 1/2 years. We are not part of any support groups, though we (with his consent) have never hidden this from anyone. We have told our parents, friends, etc. Corey doesn’t yell it from the rooftops, but I think that is more about how he is than the fact that he is ashamed or embarrassed. He just isn’t a hugely vocal young man… well, about certain things he is!

I think Roy and I suspected Corey was gay from a rather young age - around the time he started 8th grade, so I guess he was about 13. Once we suspected, then the “clues” started to hit us in the face. We kept it to ourselves, but I started thinking how I would approach this. There was never any doubt in my mind that Roy and I wouldn’t treat him differently. Gay or not, we wouldn’t care. Why would we? He was still our son; still the little boy we raised. I wanted to be sure HE knew that. I wanted to be sure that he understood that things wouldn’t change for us, and if they did for him, we would help him navigate those waters. And if he wasn’t gay, it comes with its own set of challenges. So we would be there for him in that case too.

I told him informally (usually during the “birds and bees” talks) two or three times that if he was gay or bisexual, Dad and I would be ok with that. When he knew, he could tell us - either way. And if he were gay, bi, or otherwise, we would keep it quiet if that is what he wanted. Or we would march in a gay, bi, or otherwise pride parade if he wanted to do that too. (Hey! I bet it would be fun.)

Corey told me first. We were running to the store, and it was just the two of us in the car. He finally came out and told me that he thought he was gay.

“You think you are, or you know you are?” I asked him. (Hormones have been known to cause confusion!)

“I know I am.” He said it with a conviction, and I didn’t even question him.

He asked me to talk to Dad, and I said sure. I told Roy, and he didn’t even blink. It was easy for him to digest. We then sat with Corey. Roy assured Corey that his feelings for Corey would not waiver and that he was proud of Corey for coming to know himself, and including us. Since then, it has never been an issue for us. We joke with him just like we do with the other boys. We laugh with him just like we do with the others boys.

“You know, Corey… you won’t meet a guy if you hang out in your room on a Friday night.” We will poke at him. We say the same thing to Joe, just substitute guy with girl.

Addi has a different “girlfriend” each week, so he says, but he’s still a bit young to be out on the prowl (I hope!). And Hayden and Dean still think I’m the best girl!

For us, it just is what it is. We talk the “birds and bees” with him just like we do the other boys too. (Well, pretty much the same.) I did do some research on safe sex for men (gay and straight), as I don’t believe a moment of pleasure should be a death sentence for ANYONE. And we did have the “sex talk” with Corey. Granted, we are not necessarily worried about him getting a young lady pregnant, but we want to teach him about safer sex, STDs, and the emotional drain sex can have on a person.

While I won’t say that everyone in our family is as accepting as Roy and I, none of our close family has looked down at Corey or put him down in any way for being who he is. But there will those outside the family that will. So we also try to make him understand how best to handle that (not that we are experts).

Now that is how it has gone in our household. But he told me about a young man at his school recently. This young man is gay - all the kids assumed it, and this young man has finally admitted it to himself and to others. Unfortunately, his family doesn’t agree with his “choice.” (I put choice in quotes, because I don’t think it is a choice, though I know some do.) He told my son that he is to leave his family’s home when he turns 18, that he will be disowned.

The idea that a family could do this to their child is so foreign to me, so… I just don’t know; I can’t wrap my head around it. I guess because for us it is just such a nonissue, the idea that for some families it IS such a HUGE issue is something I don’t necessarily understand. I am not saying our family is perfect, we have our issues. But for me, Corey being gay just isn’t one of them.

So… I would like to compile stories, interviews, ideas, tidbits anything from teens that are gay, adults that have a gay child (or cousin, sibling, parent) and put them together. Not so much as a “how to” book, but as a compilation of experiences.

Maybe this is a dumb idea, I don’t know… Maybe it won’t ever go anywhere beyond the blogosphere. But I would love to see if this is something that I can get off the ground. If you have something, anything you would like to share… you agree with my stance… you don’t agree… you have a gay child/relative and don’t know your feelings on the matter… you reject them… you don’t care… anything… let me know. Please!

Comment/Reply to provide your insight. Or go here to find other options to participate… http://research.lifewithboys.com/

-this post has been syndicated on BlogHer-

Sooo, I make a pact with myself to spend more time giving in to my feelings of restlessness when it comes to writing…and than I don’t write for four day?  Go figure!

It could be because our timeline got moved up.

What timeline you ask?

Well, I’ll tell ya,  Hayden is a Freshman this year, Dean is in fifth grade-so he’ll start middle school next year, and Roy works about 60 miles from home. NOT horrible, until you factor in rush hour traffic.  Sometimes, Roy gets into the office in an hour an a half, sometimes it take twice that-my goal was to move the summer before Hayden’s junior year.  That would give him two years at a new high school, Dean would have two years at the middle school before moving into HS, but my husband is beat.  With the new position he accepted, he’s going in almost daily-and I know it’s hard on him.  So, we’re looking to move in just a few months!

Ugh, I said it out loud

We’ve been here so long, I forgot why I dislike the process.  Getting the house ready, finding a new house…and than there’s THE PURGE.

I decided to start small, something no one could have any say over-my closet.  I listed items on ebay, I put aside items for a yard sale-and felt accomplished until I looked at my closet.  Pretty sure it looks no different.  When did I accumulate so much stuff?  

To be fair, Roy’s side of the closet looks similar.  I tell the man he needs to purge and he gives me two t-shirts-out of the 50 he owns-though he only wears about 10.  He has a t-shirt that he wears constantly (I wash it, he wears it-vicious cycle) that I can see through-I kid you not.  It didn’t start out like that, he just wears it constantly!  To boot-it says Grooveshark (does anyone even remember what that is?) and he got it for free!  Not that there’s anything wrong with promotional swag-I love my pens, but when it’s starting to disintegrate, maybe it’s time to move on?

Now, for my case I realized I have way to many shirts with goofy sayings.  Some I bought for the specific purpose of basketball games-I have a few with sayings, or Hayden’s number, etc.  But most say ridiculous things like, “More Tacos please.”  I’m not sure why I need three shirts that say that-especially when all are just different shades of grey.  

And you’d think when the shirts hold no real sentimental value it would be easy to let go of-apparently, it is not.  You never know when you might find yourself in desperate need of tacos and maybe you’ve lost your voice?  I don’t know…

And let’s not even get in to my legging collection.  Now, in the winter I do wear them-daily for the most part.  I wear tunics and leggings, or a sweater and leggings, etc.  They’re warm and cute-the more colorful the better!  But I’m short, so specific brands fit me best-so why do I have pair after pair that are too big? 

I think there was a time when I bought clothes to make myself happy-I was feeling out of sorts, sad-and when I worked through that-I was left with a packed closet.  And so, THE PURGE commenced.

I truly hope the kitchen isn’t like this-or you’ll find me crying in the shower…