Jamie Foxx, T-Pain, Forest Whitaker, Ron Howard, Morris Chestnut, Mos Def, Samuel Jackson, Quincy Jones, Cedric the Entertainer… sheesh, who isn’t in this video? But wait, who’s the odd man out here?

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

I saw this on Facebook, and am confused.

A young woman, and I say young because she could be my daughter, is only 20.  Her boyfriend is a bit older, 26 and says he doesn’t want kids.  She does, but she loves him so thinks she should get a tubal ligation.

Really?  SOOO many things wrong here.

First of all, a tubal ligation is meant to be a permanent for of birth control.  You can get them reversed, but that isn’t often successful, which is why it’s meant to be a permanent solution.

Second, having kids is a HUGE decision.  And yet for many it’s a deal breaker.  I think the desire to have children is very strong in some of us, and not so much in others, and that’s ok. But IF you want kids, isn’t this something that deserves more than…"Well, he doesnt’ want them, I love him, so I basically ruin any chance I have of carrying a child for him.“  No, no, no honey….If YOU wants kids, and he doesn’t than by all means protect yourself, there is such a thing as birth control, but at 20?  When you aren’t married or even living together?  To let HIM decide YOUR future?  Or vice versa?  Show some backbone.

And this is what I’m surprised about this entire thread.  This young woman was called selfish for wanting a tubal at 20.  She wasn’t called silly for letting someone talk her out of her dream of children.  She wasn’t called weak for giving in to an offhanded comment about her own reproduction.  No, she was called selfish for THINKING about not having children.

What?  One of the young women that replied is having fertility issues.  She called the original poster selfish because she could have kids, but was thinking of not having kids.  What?  First of all…we don’t even know if the OP can have kids.  She didn’t give her fertility history.  Second, HER decision to NOT have kids has nothing to do with being selfish or not. 

No, I’ll say her boyfriend is selfish if he is trying to sway her to his way of thinking, but if this young woman truly know her heart (she doens’t seem to, but let’s say for the sake of argument she does) and doesn’t want kids, how is that selfish?

Some people don’t want kids…they don’t.  I would consider it MORE selfish to have kids when you do not want them, have no desire to parent, and have no means of supporting them.  That’s selfish.

But not everyone has the baby bug, and why does that make them selfish? 

I had a tubal at 34…There was nothing in my history that would suggest that I couldn’t have another child after Dean was born.  Was my decision selfish?  Roy is adamant about not having another baby, is he selfish?

I for all intents and purposes can not have children, am I also selfish for staying married to a man with healthy, good baby making sperm?  

Children are a gift, and because I wanted them doesn’t make me any less selfish than the couple that doesn’t want them.

The year it took me to get pregnant with Dean was a roller coaster ride.  I cursed my body, I cried, I locked myself in the bathroom, I took it out on Roy…but that was between us.  It had nothing to do with you, or my neighbor or anyone else.

Did I become sad when I saw a pregnant woman?  Of course, but I never begrudged her of her joy, because her ability to get pregnant also had nothing to do with me.

I dislike the idea of “Mommy Wars.”

Magazines, Newspapers, TV they perpetuate.  I work outside the home AND I have kids, YOU are a SAHM so you have more time…Obviously I have it harder than you.

Well, I’m a SAHM to x number of kids, my husband works, and I’m up to my ears in playdoh and homework day in and day out.

Well, My kid is a special needs kid, blah, blah, blah….

It goes on and on and on.

This stems from an article I read the other day from another blogger.  Her child is a special needs child.  She didn’t go into too much detail in regards to his diagnosis, but I imagine he would be considered high functioning as she said he was expressing his hurt over not being as coordinated as the other children.  I will admit, I’m on shaky ground here, I don’t know any mother’s with autistic children, so I am not sure of the spectrum and all it entails.

BUT, what caught my eye is the author’s mindset, that those people with ‘normal’ kids really shouldn’t complain. 

If your child plays teams sports, you really shouldn’t say anything about their schedule or the money involved, because her child won’t get to play team sports.

If you get the chance to cheer them on at a game, you should be grateful, and not say a word about the coach who yells constantly.

And that’s fine and dandy, but to then go on and say you want to slap mother’s that complain about their 'normal’ kids?  

Now, dont’ get me wrong.  I get venting, I get frustration (I have five kids…hello!), I understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and then to wake up to yet another smackdown.  I get that.  

I don’t get HER frustrations, because I’m not her, but I know what I feel like when I feel like I keep getting knocked down every time I try to stand up.

And I know, at this stage, how important it is to make sure my needs come across clearly.

Having five kids is challenging.  Having a child that requires extra attention adds to that.  IF I am having a rough day, I’m not going to approach my friend with no children and tell her I want to slap her because she has not kids!

That doesn’t set the stage for her to offer me what I need the most-an ear to vent.  A shoulder to cry on.

If Roy has been at work all day, and he’s exhausted and stressed out, if he walked in the door and said he wanted to punch me because he was so frustrated, I would assume I did something wrong, not that he had a bad day at work, and my hackles would immediately go up, as opposed to my arms opening up to give him the hug he probably wants.

We all deserve a break, we all deserve some time to kick back and take a breath, but you can’t cry that you never have that chance when you are the one that refuses to hire a babysitter.

I used to complain that we had no friends…might have been because I rarely put myself out there.  I found excuses to not leave the comfort of my own home, and yet having friends I can count on, friends I can turn to…I can’t tell you what a relief it is to simply know they are there!

The idea that someone shouldn’t be allowed to complain about what causes them stress because you think you have it worse, might be an indicator as to why you feel ostracized.

Would you want to be friends with someone that belittled the things in your life that you find challenging?  Would you want to be friends with someone that puts limits on what you can talk about because they have it so much worse and you are obviously an idiot for thinking the way you do?

WE ALL have challenges we face, yours will no doubt be different than mine, but that doesn’t mean I will slap you because you complain about not having any milk and my father has cancer.  (He is in remission! Almost 18 months now!)

What I find challenging, might be very different than what you find challenging.  The battles I face, might never cross your radar, and vice versa.

But the point is, this isn’t a competition.  I’m not saying you need to support me, you don’t know me, but I am asking you not to threaten physical violence because you are having a rough day and I’m not.

Ok…off my soapbox

-Ever feel like no matter what you tell your kids, it goes in one ear and right out the other?  Hang on…I don’t even know if it’s making it in the one ear…

-Ever feel like no matter what you say to your kids, no matter how many times you say it, no matter how many times you show them, they just don’t get it?  NOT because they can’t get it, not because they aren’t smart enough to get it, but because they simply don’t care.

I want to bang my head against a wall right now…but I don’t think the wall could take it.

Family is important to me.  Without going into details, growing up there were times when I feared my parents not believing in me.  Yes, I messed up, I made mistakes, but in the end it took me a long time to realize that those mistakes didn’t have to define me.  I wasn’t measured by my mistakes, they weren’t indicative of the person I am/was/and will become.

And now that I have children of my own, I’m happily married-this is how I see it.

I don’t want my children to EVER doubt whether or not I’m here for them.  I don’t want them to wonder if mom will turn tail and run the other way, leaving them to crawl out of whatever hole it is they dug without a helping hand.  

Now, to be clear, and we tell the boys the same thing-we aren’t here to fix all their problems.  If we do that we are doing them a disservice, especially the older boys who might very well be on their own sooner rather than later.  But we’ll help them, we’ll talk out a problem with them, we’ll talk to someone with them, etc.  And in the end, if they try their hardest to fix whatever problem they are having-if they give it 100% and still fall on their face…Mom and Dad is here to help them up again, because that’s life.  

You will hopefully have a lot of success in life, that’s what we want, but I also want boys that can hit the floor and still get up.  I want boys that might get knocked down, but they pull up their pants, and keep on fighting.  And I want them to understand, we are in their corner.

Sometimes being in their corner means helping them take responsibility for a mistake, and we are ok with that.  

But it also means cheering on their successes.  

And that bring me to my question:  IF someone consistently thought that any joy you celebrated was you rubbing it in their face, would you be ok with that?

yesterday, I shared my joy over our upcoming belated honeymoon-yep that’s what I’m calling it.  Our friends are happy for us. They know this is something we’ve been planning, and they are sharing in our excitement.

And isn’t that all we can ask for?  I wouldn’t rub my friends failures in their faces, and I won’t begrudge them their happiness, and I hope they do the same for us.

If they couldn’t do that….would you still be friends with them?

If not…what if the person that always points out your mistakes, they never let you live anything down..what if that person is family?

And on that same note…what if any joy you had…from the tiny (I lost 5 pounds) to the big (I lost 30+ pounds on my own!) was overlooked?

Now, I don’t need my ego stroked, I think I’m out of my formative ‘teen years’ and I’m genuinely happy with my life.  I have children that love me and cheer on my successes.  I have a husband that supports me-success or failure.  But most importantly, I’m happy being me.

And yet, there is a part of me that would love to pick up the phone, and be cheered on, as opposed to being reminded of that one time…I missed curfew…when I was 16….

Does it make a difference if the 'negative nelly’ is family?  Does that mean you need to put up with it?

I was reading Redbook and noticed a letter from another reader.  Here’s a bit of backstory: last month Redbook did an article about the website ashleymadison.com.  We have all heard of this website, and if you haven’t, it’s basically a website that hooks up people looking for sex outside of marriage.  I am sure there is more to it than that, but I don’t feel the need to give this site more publicity, so I will just leave it at that.

I will say, IF you have an open marriage, that’s your business.  I won’t judge, but I’m not interested in the details.  Roy and I don’t have an open marriage, period.  Nor am I looking to stray, and my husband is not either.  But to be upfront, this isn’t about cheating on your spouse/SO. That is a whole other can of words.

No, what surprised me about the reader’s letter was her implication that Redbook did a disservice to the women that seek out the site’s services.  Apparently, she is no longer attracted or interested in her husband, so she sleeps with other men.  She and her husband have kids and believe the responsible thing to do is for her to sleep with other guys, rather than split.  HUH?

I am previously divorced, and it isn’t easy on kids, BUT I don’t think that divorce is the worst thing that can happen to a child. (Granted this is if the adults can be decent to one another.)  Does the above-mentioned woman really think her kids don’t notice her lack of affection with her husband?  Does she routinely fool herself into believing that they don’t pick up on the indifference?  Does she really think that denying herself and her husband OPEN happiness is fooling anyone other than herself?

Sorry, but staying together for the kids has got to be one of the silliest reasons I have ever heard to stay/get married!  This isn’t the 50’s, ladies (and men). 

Kids are more in tune with what is going on around them than we know.  My kids would notice if Roy and I stopped being affectionate.  They would notice if their father and I suddenly treated each other with little more than respect and tolerance. Heck, they’d probably even notice if we were seeking affection outside the home.

Divorce isn’t easy, but neither is being honest adults about the whole thing either.  Kids are more resilient than adults. They are more open to change, and as long as their parents love them and have their backs, they will get through a divorce, and yes, they will thrive. 

BUT what does growing up in a household with parents that merely tolerate each other show them?  That marriage is nothing more than a business arrangement?  That love is something that happens, and then you just let it die without working at it?  That happiness is fleeting and not important?

WOW… that’s exactly the kind of household I want my children growing up in.  (Yes, that was laced with sarcasm!)

Perhaps it’s easy for me to say all of this.  I have been divorced for over 13 years, and Roy and I have been together for a long time.  I don’t have to help my kids adjust to things on my own, I have Roy.  He has been their ‘dad’ or father-figure or whatever you want to call it for most of their lives.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my goal was not and has never been to look for a replacement for the bio dad.  On the other hand, the older boys are 15 and almost 17. It isn’t my job to facilitate a relationship with the bio dad either.  That is on them, and for the most part, him.  We wouldn’t interfere, unless there was a reason to, but I am not going to email him or call him and plead with him to spend time with them.  I am not going to adjust my schedule around his whims.  

But again, that is another post for another time.  Staying in an unhappy marriage because you have kids isn’t responsible in my book.  Denying yourself, your SO and your children a life filled with love and laughter, a life in which you can set a good example of what it means to be a responsible and good partner is doing them a disservice as well.  If you do decide to remarry, or embark on another relationship, not only are you letting your children see that love DOES exist, but you are also showing them that life moves forward, that happiness IS important, and you are showing them that you have emerged from a failed relationship a strong and positive person.

THAT is what I want my kids to see; that is the example I want to set for them.

I haven’t heard this often, but I’ve heard if often enough that it irks the s**t out of me.  Yes, it irks me that badly.

“No, stepparents shouldn’t discipline their kids, the ‘real’ parents should.”

Umm…what?  Is my husband a figment of my imagination?  For some reason, I am now picturing Roy as the Tin Man from the “Wizard of Oz.”

When the boys need help with homework-Roy has been there.

When they have some big project in school, they just go to him.

When they are sick, he shares clean up duty with me.

When they have doctor appointments he has taken off work more than once to take them, or go with me.

When they have sporting events, he is there cheering.

When they get hurt, he is the one to offer a shoulder and/or advice.

He taught Corey to drive.

He cuts Joe’s hair for his JROTC inspections. 

And you are going to tell me he isn’t a 'real’ parent, because it wasn’t his sperm?

One of the things that I have ALWAYS appreciated about Roy is that he treated the boys as his own right from the beginning.

We had only been seriously dating for a few months when Roy met the boys for the first time.  He took us to the museums in DC for the day and when Joe got tired he put him on his shoulders.  When Joe feel asleep on the Metro, it was Roy’s lap he napped in.  (I think he was about 3 at the time, Corey was 4)

A few days later we were at Roy’s parents house playing in the front yard, when Corey ran out into the street after a ball.  Roy was faster than I was, and he got to him first.

He knelt down and looked him right in the eye and told him to never do that again. He didn’t look to me for guidance, he didn’t assume I would handle it.  Something needed to be said, and he said it.

And why should it be any different?  IF you don’t trust your SO to discipline your children, perhaps you shouldn’t be with that person.

IF you create boundaries, if you say that ONLY you can discipline the children, you are setting up a nasty power struggle, where YOU will have to take sides, and no matter which side you choose, you will lose.

Go Round and Round!

Not sure why I thought of that song, perhaps because I used to sing it with Dean as we put his older brothers on the bus every day, and now it’s his turn.

Yesterday was meet the teacher day, and for the younger kids (elementary school) you can bring their supplies in-that way they have it for the first day, but they don’t have to be loaded down on the bus.

So, Sunday afternoon, I went through the four bags of supplies we’d bought and separated them out-Dean, Hayden and some extras I know the older boys would need.

I put their names on them and loaded up their backpacks.  

Yesterday as we were leaving, Dean and Hayden put their’s on, and Roy carried the extras for them.  And I was fine up to that point.

We drove to their school, the older boys tagging along as we would hit the high school next.  I was fine as I parked the van.  Fine as we walked into their school.

But then I saw our little boy, walking down the stairs.  His brand new Skylanders backpack strapped on his tiny shoulders, and I was even ok then.

It wasn’t until he ran ahead of me to catch up to his Daddy that I almost lost it.  He looked so small in that big hallway.  He reached up to take Roy’s hand, and his little hand was still dwarfed by Roy’s larger one.  The backpack bounced against his little frame, and I realized that this was the last time I would send one of my baby’s to kindergarten.

We met his teacher, and she seems wonderful!  Young, full of energy and enthusiastic-what more could you want from a kindergarten teacher?

And so, he found his little desk and we put his blue pencil box, and his crayons in his cubby. And then we said goodbye, off to the next classroom.

We met Hayden’s teacher-again, she seems wonderful, and he put his things up.  He and Roy looked around to see if Hayden had any friends in the class with him, while I looked over the paperwork I would need to fill out.

And then it was off to the high school.

And I saw Addi-the little boy that surprised us by coming into this world a bit too early, heading off to high school.  I had told him more than once that he has one chance to make a good first impression, and he was on his best behavior.

He said “Yes, Sir” and “No, Ma'am.” Please and Thank you.  He stood still and shook hands with the First Sergeant that will head up his JROTC class.

Roy had given him a haircut that morning, and it was a HUGE change.  Addi went from shoulder length hair to a buzz cut, and I couldn’t get over how different he looked!  Thicker, stronger, and so handsome.

We met Joe’s teachers-the last set he will have in public school, and Roy and I stood back proudly as he took the lead.  INtroducing himself, telling them what class of their’s he will be in.  He asked questions (I FINALLY know what Math Analysis is!) and answered them.

We found their lockers-though they assured Roy and I that high school students do not use lockers-and opened them up.

And then we went home.

I’m hoping I can hold it together when I put my little boys on the bus tomorrow, especially Dean since he will be the last one for us.

At least until the buses turn the corner and they can’t see the tears in my eyes.

I try my best NOT to do this, I really do.

BUT, if I have given you unsolicited advice let me apologize.  I’m not trying to come off as a know it all.  I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not trying to be a bitch.

Let me explain.

After five kids, there is a part of Roy and I that feels like we’ve seen it all, ok maybe not all, but a LOT.  A whole lot.  When I hear a first time parent complaining about something, it’s hard not chime in and say what worked for us.  On the other hand, I can see where it might come off as me calling you an idiot for not thinking of it yourself, but know that isn’t the case.

Even though our youngest is five, I remember those sleepless nights very well.  I remember the frustration, and Roy commenting that Dean is our fifth, shouldn’t I have this down by now?

(Yes, I want to punch him in the throat for that one.)

IF I can give you some tips and suggestions, it’s only because I want to spare you the fear that I had.  It isn’t because I think you are less than capable.

When I hear someone commenting on their kids going to high school, we have one that finished that up, and another about to finish up.  We’ve dealt with a lot of these issues.  It isn’t because I think you can’t figure it out.

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for almost 14…not forever, but we certainly aren’t newlyweds.  If you’re complaining about something, that we’ve been through, I just want to share that you CAN and will get through it, I’m not trying to tell you how to deal with your marriage.

Advice is tricky.  Unless someone comes out and says:

“I really need your advice.”

It’s hard to know when it’s welcome and when it isn’t wanted.

BUT, I’m asking you…if you ever get advice, give the advice giver the benefit of the doubt, I promise 9 times out of ten they aren’t sharing because they think you are incapable.

Ok…maybe it’s more like 7 out of ten times….

Actually, maybe 6 out of ten is more reasonable.

Sooo, I make a pact with myself to spend more time giving in to my feelings of restlessness when it comes to writing…and than I don’t write for four day?  Go figure!

It could be because our timeline got moved up.

What timeline you ask?

Well, I’ll tell ya,  Hayden is a Freshman this year, Dean is in fifth grade-so he’ll start middle school next year, and Roy works about 60 miles from home. NOT horrible, until you factor in rush hour traffic.  Sometimes, Roy gets into the office in an hour an a half, sometimes it take twice that-my goal was to move the summer before Hayden’s junior year.  That would give him two years at a new high school, Dean would have two years at the middle school before moving into HS, but my husband is beat.  With the new position he accepted, he’s going in almost daily-and I know it’s hard on him.  So, we’re looking to move in just a few months!

Ugh, I said it out loud

We’ve been here so long, I forgot why I dislike the process.  Getting the house ready, finding a new house…and than there’s THE PURGE.

I decided to start small, something no one could have any say over-my closet.  I listed items on ebay, I put aside items for a yard sale-and felt accomplished until I looked at my closet.  Pretty sure it looks no different.  When did I accumulate so much stuff?  

To be fair, Roy’s side of the closet looks similar.  I tell the man he needs to purge and he gives me two t-shirts-out of the 50 he owns-though he only wears about 10.  He has a t-shirt that he wears constantly (I wash it, he wears it-vicious cycle) that I can see through-I kid you not.  It didn’t start out like that, he just wears it constantly!  To boot-it says Grooveshark (does anyone even remember what that is?) and he got it for free!  Not that there’s anything wrong with promotional swag-I love my pens, but when it’s starting to disintegrate, maybe it’s time to move on?

Now, for my case I realized I have way to many shirts with goofy sayings.  Some I bought for the specific purpose of basketball games-I have a few with sayings, or Hayden’s number, etc.  But most say ridiculous things like, “More Tacos please.”  I’m not sure why I need three shirts that say that-especially when all are just different shades of grey.  

And you’d think when the shirts hold no real sentimental value it would be easy to let go of-apparently, it is not.  You never know when you might find yourself in desperate need of tacos and maybe you’ve lost your voice?  I don’t know…

And let’s not even get in to my legging collection.  Now, in the winter I do wear them-daily for the most part.  I wear tunics and leggings, or a sweater and leggings, etc.  They’re warm and cute-the more colorful the better!  But I’m short, so specific brands fit me best-so why do I have pair after pair that are too big? 

I think there was a time when I bought clothes to make myself happy-I was feeling out of sorts, sad-and when I worked through that-I was left with a packed closet.  And so, THE PURGE commenced.

I truly hope the kitchen isn’t like this-or you’ll find me crying in the shower…