Pride winning out for me. Roy sent me a link to a website, Navy For Moms, and it’s been helpful.  I’ve been gathering up information about PIR (Pass In Review-their graduation from boot camp)-where to stay, car rentals, etc. There are overviews of what the kids do at boot camp, when they might be able to call, etc.

And it’s wonderful. It’s nice to get information from Mom’s who have been there.  And yet it hard too.

When it got to the point where i realized that Joe would be leaving soon, I realized I had two choices: 1) I could cry and cling to him or 2) I could enjoy the last few months I had of him being at home full time.

I like to think I chose two.  And again I think a big reason was because of the type of person Joe is-he’s got a big heart, and he’s the type that would rather hurt than hurt someone else/see them hurting.  I knew my fear, sadness, or whatever else i was feeling would rub off on him and that’s NOT what he needed when it came time to take this new path.

Nuke School isn’t going to be easy-it’s elite, it’s tough, and he needs to feel secure, motivated and confident to succeed. 

Sure, I still cry on occasion.  We have a five bedroom house, and right outside the door to each of the bedrooms we have pictures of the kids. Addi’s room has Addi’s picture next to it. Today, Roy moved Joe’s picture and hung up Dean’s-it’s now Dean’s room.

Dean has bunk beds, and I thought it would be cool if Joe slept there when he came home, Dean loves the idea of having Joe sleep there, but it’s still HIS room.

I did laundry today, and there was nothing that belonged to Joe. No, basketball shorts or gym socks-nothing. And it was a reminder that he has moved on.

And though it hurts, and I miss him dearly, I find the pride is surfacing more readily now than the tears. The more I read about Nuke school the prouder I become-this is a big deal!  And Joe is going to attend!

Hayden now has his own room, and Dean is not sitting in his booster seat at the table any more-there are only six of us, usually five as Corey works five days a week now. And I’m finding my own way.

I got a job-it’s only about 15 hours a week at our local grocery store (I’m working at Customer Service/Cashier) but it’s perfect!  I’ll leave early, but be home to get the younger boys off the bus, help with homework and cook dinner, things that are very important to me.  And I’m so excited about actually buying Roy something for his birthday with money I earned!  It’s been a long time since I could say that!  It isn’t a lot of money, or a lot of hours, but this fits perfectly into what I want right now.

Joe knew about the job before he left, and when I told them I got the job he gave me a hug and a high five. All the little boys have said they will be good-Addi and Corey assured me they will help out when I’m working during the week as Roy also has to work. It’s feels good.

And wouldn’t you know it-I’m writing about how strong I’ve been, and I started crying as I typed this!  Oh well, I’m getting better.

I’ve been absent for a bit-we were getting ready to send Joe off to Boot camp, and from there he would go down to Charleston, SC for Navy Nuke School.

And it’s hard! SO very hard. I didn’t want my blog, something I’ve enjoyed writing for years to be months of me crying and weeping that I was going to miss him, so I kept to myself a bit. We helped him clean out his room, get his accounts in order, and just get ready.  I peppered him with little tidbits here and there.

“Please make sure you eat healthy, ok?” I would tell him over breakfast, “Eat some fruits and vegetables, promise me?”

“Stay away from those girls that are just looking to marry a guy in the military, ok?”

“If you need help with laundry, just give me a call.”

And to his credit, he rarely snapped at me, and he promised me he would do all those things. If he needed help with his nuke classes, he would ask for it, and he would study hard.

He promised that he would write, and call when he could.

I told him he had to make time for fun too, I don’t want him burning out. He promised he would, and that he would make friends.

I want him to be 18!  Nuke school is the top (and forgive my bragging here a bit!) 10% of Navy recruits!  The top 3% of high school seniors are the qualifiers here, and our Joe is one of them!  I know the school is grueling, the hours are long, and at the beginning the pay off might seem far away, but in the end, if he finishes this school, he’ll be set. This type of training can translate into a good job in the private sector if he chooses not to make the Navy his career.

But he’s still only 18. The boys he will be going to school with, and they are boys, will be his age or just a few years older. They need time to be kids, and I hope they take advantage of their liberty-responsibly!-but they need that time.

And yesterday was the day.

Driving down to the recruiting station I thought back to exactly one year ago.  We were on our way to a family vacation in Gatlinburg, TN. I looked behind us as Roy drove-Joe was asleep, they younger boys either staring out the window or playing games.

“I only have a year left with him.” I told Roy, choking on the already present tears.

Roy reached across the seats and gripped my hand, “We still have a year.”

And we tried to make sure Joe was ready-we made memories, and pushed him to get his license. We made sure he prepared himself physically, and encouraged him to get a job to save some pocket money.  

We kept on top of him, it was his senior year after all, in regards to his grades.  And before I knew it, he was graduating.

“We still have a month.” Roy told me.

And we watched movies, went to  the ‘water hole,’ and I fixed his favorite foods. And that month became a week, and that week became 24 hours.  

I struggled-do I pack as much as I can into those final 24 hours at home, or keep things normal-as Joe is the type to appreciate normality.

I decided to keep things normal. I let him sleep in-as surely days of sleeping until 10 am will be few and far between.

I did make a big breakfast-it was Corey’s 20th birthday too, but I kept it simple. Corey’s favorites, and everyone around the table.

For dinner I made something I figured everyone would like-but it wasn’t a five course meal.

And I think Joe appreciated it.  It was a final day of being taken care of by mom. He played with his younger brothers and assured Dean that he could have his room when he left.  He took out the dogs and watched a silly movie with Roy and I.

And then, when he finally went to sleep I crept into his room at around 2 AM. It was the last night this would be HIS room.

Sure, he’ll come home, but barring an emergency (knock on wood) Joe has chosen his path and is finding his way. And because this is how things are supposed to work, I have to let him go.

And I did, though there was some tears on my end. Joe is just like Roy in this respect-he’s a rock, a stone wall, but he hates to see his Mom hurting. So, I tried not to cry in front of him too much. I didn’t want to make him feel guilty for being excited, for looking forward to this next step in his life.

But I couldn’t help it yesterday.  We didn’t have much time in the recruiter’s office. We got to say goodbye, and then Joe was off. I know Roy purposely wanted to not prolong anything-the more upset I got, the more upset Joe would get. And that isn’t any way for him to start this amazing new phase in his life.

I hugged him,  and had trouble articulating what I wanted to say:

That we were so proud of him. That no matter how hard things get, we know he can do this. That despite being bigger than me, he’ll always be my little boy.

I wanted to tell him that I loved his big heart, and his amazing kindness. I wanted to thank him for making me laugh over the years, and for being a truly wonderful big brother.

I wanted to tell him that he was taking a piece of my heart with him, and that I love him more than he would ever know.

But all I came up with was, “Be careful, and do your best.”

Roy hugged him next, and I couldn’t hear what he said, but Joe turned to me again, hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I love you Mom.”

I felt his arms around me, and remembered the little boy that would hug my legs and ask me for a ice pop. But these arms were strong, and I wanted to cling to him for just a moment longer.

“I love you too sweetie. So very much.”

Roy put his arm around me and said to the recruiter, “Take care of him for us.”

And I felt the tears course down my face, as I saw him smile and wave at me one more time before the door closed.

The ride home was quiet. I looked out the window, and remembered so many things: His smile, how excited he was to graduate. His pride at being accepted to this program.

When we got home, Roy said he was proud of Joe.

I nodded and Roy took me in his arms, “It’s going to be ok, honey. He’s going to be great.”

I just nodded.

When we were dropping Joe off, one of our favorite songs came on the radio. “Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas.

“Are you kidding me?!” I said, and the three of us laughed. 

Joe’s not wayward. He’s not unpredictable or volatile, he’s a rock. A calm port in the storm, just like Roy.

And Roy reminded me of something yesterday, and no doubt he will again:

Joe is finding his way down that path we call life, and we should be proud of him.

But still, when I walked into his room this morning, and looked around, it felt strange. He wasn’t at his desk, in fact his computer is gone-he sold it to a friend that couldn’t afford a brand new one. The books he wants to keep have been boxed up, and stored in our basement. The clothes he didn’t want passed down to the younger boys. All the little things that made it his room-are gone. Either packed up, passed on or thrown out.

I stood there, and looked around and the tears came again.

This is what happens next. The kids move on, and I have to hope we did all we could to get them ready for whatever comes next.

But still-I miss him so very much. I see his face in my mind constantly, and it sucks that I wont’ get to see it every day anymore.

This past Friday-June 6th-Joe graduated from high school. It’s still hard for me to believe!

I remember, and we often joke about this, one night we were sitting at the dinner table, and I guess Joe was about 4, maybe five.

I used to think it was hilarious how enamored Joe was of Roy’s chest hair. He would ask me about it, how old did he have to be to have some of this own? And then, he would ask if he could be tall like Dad.

“What do you want to do when you get older?” one of us asked each of the kids on that night.

Joe’s answer: I want chest hair like Dad.

He had simple desires.

And now he’s 18! Done with high school, and in less than a month he will leave for boot camp. His goals for the future have increased significantly-he wants to excel in boot camp, and then do well in Nuke School. He’s looking forward to the future, and we are so proud of him.

Roy was worried about me during the ceremony. No doubt he was worried about having to comfort a distraught wife, while still expressing his pride and excitement for Joe. But I held it together. I was just so proud of him.

And then yesterday, he was cleaning off the table and some of Dean’s little Lego guys were on the table.

“Hey, Deaner?” He called to Dean who was curled up on the sofa, “What is this little guy called?”

Dean told him, and I told him…and he walked over to Dean and handed him the little blue Lego creature and said, “It’s time for dinner Buddy, how about we get your Mixels off the table?”

The other kids would have just yelled at Dean to come pick up his junk. If they were frustrated they might have thrown them off the table onto the floor (cause yes, my kids are brats sometimes). But not Joe. He’s patient, and so loving with Dean. 

I went into the bathroom and allowed the tears to come for a moment, before serving up dinner.

Perhaps because he is patient with Dean, he and Dean have a special bond. When Joe took McDonald’s to Dean’s school last week so they could have lunch together, Dean loved it. He takes him to the store with him when I send him out for milk, often buying him a small treat so they can share together.

There have been more than a few occasions when Dean wakes up scared and wanders into Joe’s room. Joe just allows him to curl up in his bigger bed, and Dean falls back into a deep sleep.

Joe’s funny, and sweet, and very loving. I never dealt with the whole, “You’re so embarrassing mom, drop me off around the corner,” dismissal from the older boys. If I drop him off at school, I get a kiss on the cheek and I love you, no matter who is out there watching.

And that’s what I’ll miss-the little things.

Dean came up to me the other day when I was doing dishes.

“So, what time will Joe get home from the Navy?”

See, Dean was under the impression that the Navy was just like Joe’s job at Ihop. He would leave in the morning and get home later in the afternoon.

“Oh, honey, he will have to go away for a few months at a time! But he will be home for visits.” I told him.

Dean looked at me, confused, “He is going to sleep at the Navy place?”

And this surprised me because, Dean has been psyched about getting Joe’s old room. 

“He is. But we can talk to him on the phone, and maybe Skype, and write letters…and he will come home for visits. Maybe we can visit him at his new home.” I told Dean, keeping it simple for him.

And these big tears started to shimmer in Dean’s eyes. His lower lip trembled a bit, “But I’m going to miss him.”

I will too, Deaner, I will too.

About a month ago, Joe enlisted in the Navy.  (I actually think a few of his friends are jealous that Joe knows what he wants to do after graduation) He has a date for boot camp-July 8, 2014-and now he is just going to concentrate on his Senior Year.

Roy and I are so proud of him.  He knows what he wants, and he went for it.

He decided he wanted to go into the Navy’s Nuclear Engineering program-and he was ONE point short.  See, from what we were told the best of the best qualify for this.  Which means only a select few are able to enroll in this arduous program.  And our son wanted in.

He had to take a test to qualify, and in my mind I knew he would be fine.

But it was still AWESOME when he came back from the test and told me that he was in!

The look on Joe’s face was priceless, and I wish I had snapped a picture.

So, here’s to our boy-one of the best of the best!

The past few weeks have been crazy, though I think it’s perhaps my own doing.

I’ve been stressed about the older boys leaving, and Joe’s graduation, and the little kids wrapping up, and standardized testing, and Addi’s grades…and…lord the list goes on and on and on.

In looking at this list I’ve had running through my head for weeks, I can see perhaps the only thing that should get me a bit stressed out is Joe leaving (July 8th) and his graduation (June 6th).

ON the other hand, Joe wants to keep it low key. For their graduation dinner I tell them I’ll make whatever they want-ANYTHING! Difficult easy, expensive cheap, you name it.

He just wants Burgers. A family cookout.

Since he will be at boot camp, for about two months, and after that none of us really knows what he will need, so when pressed about a graduation gift he tells us to please wait, as he has no idea what he will need.

And though, I hate the idea of my Bean (my nickname for Joe) leaving, I’m beginning to understand how Roy sees things. As much as he will miss him, he is less emotional, or rather his emotions stem from a place of pride, rather than loss-as mine seem too.

I found myself focusing on him leaving, rather than understanding how exciting this new chapter must be for him, and what an honor it is that he was accepted into the Nuclear Engineering Program for the United States Navy!

Plus, he will be in Charleston, SC. A city I have been dying to visit, and of course there is a cruise terminal right there! We can see our boy AND take a cruise!

And I’ve been having a great time as the newest reviewer for Scaretissue.com. Can finally put my love of all things horror-movies, books, TV shows, women’s fashion (ok that last one is stretching it a bit)-to good use.  In fact, I’ve been having a blast reviewing Showtime’s Penny Dreadful.  If you haven’t see it…check it out…it’s a wild ride!

All in all, I feel like I’m starting to settle down a bit after weeks of feeling like I was missing something.

Thank goodness!

Someone brought up a good point.  What if kids have no one there to cheer for them?

The kids that are on their own, their parents have to work, etc….people know.  Word gets around, and kids mention something to their family, teachers know, younger kids know.

At this graduation not ONE child, over 300 kdis graduated, and not one child had silence greet them.  Maybe it was teachers, maybe it was other parents, or their friends, but for just a moment every single one of those graduates felt loved.  They felt celebrated.

So, everyone IS on FB! We found out that Navy Boot Camp has a FB page, and Roy and I eagerly ‘Liked’ it. They occasionally post random pictures, have contests to get a picture of your Sailor’s Division, etc.

Today, they posted about 50 pictures, and though Joe wasn’t in any of them that we could see, one thought ran through my mind as we clicked through:

“They’re just babies!”

My father was career Army and we grew up around military bases. I was a teenager on the last base we lived on, and I remember my parents telling my VERY clearly, “NO dating the younger soldiers." 

My girlfriends and I looked at these guys and saw them as 'the older guys.’

And now, our son’s one! The kids he went to school with, played video games with, ordered pizza with-THEY are the soldiers!

It blows my mind!

And I feel old…

I’ve been back and forth lately-the days are just flying by and I often go about my routine feeling as if I’m in a daze.  But as I mentioned before I’m getting adjusted to what I call our ‘new normal.’

I don’t say anymore that my boys are in school-we have a son in the US Navy, and boy are we proud.

Roy’s always been proud of the boys, and he’s never shied away from telling them, but I’m seeing a new side of him with Joe’s leaving here!  And it’s wonderful to see.

What I’m also finding out is the ways we mothers get attached to our children and mothering them.

When Joe left, Roy found a few websites for me-support groups if you will, for Navy moms/dads/SO’s/family members.  And I see a recurring theme among the many posts-our kids are the people we have the strongest bond in the world too, and them leaving is hard.

And so, I thought about it. Parents are rabid to find out every single little detail-from when they can call home to the brand of underwear they are issued (no, I’m not kidding about that). They want to know it ALL, and then some.

And a part of me gets it-I miss Joe too, more than anything I want to see our son, but I also know that this is what happens. We raise our kids and  do our best to give them a strong foundation, the ability to stand on their own two feet and the knowledge that THEY mean something in this world. But they can’t stay in school forever-at some point we have to let them go and trust we did the best we could.

And I wonder-would we want the same level of detail if say our kids were…accountants?  Would we want to know every little detail of their day and how many people did they help with their taxes?  What if they are stay at home parents-would we want them to account for every minute of every day?

And that led me to my next train of thought-are our kids our most important/strongest bond in this world?

Our kids mean the world to us-Roy and I adore our boys and tell them so freely, and yet if I sit here and think about it, if I look at my life-my strongest bond is the one I share with Roy.

I expect the boys to grow up and leave the nest. To find their own way down this path we call life, to navigate the world and make their mark. I expect them to have jobs, love interests, and families. I expect them to have interests outside of the one’s we share as a family.

But as a wife-I don’t expect my husband to pick up one day and tell me it’s time for him to go-sure it might happen. If it didn’t our country wouldn’t have the divorce rate it does, but I don’t actively PLAN for it. I do, at some point with the boys, start to plan their leaving home.

We knew Joe wanted to enlist and once he did so, we had a date he would be gone.

Corey is close to making a decision-be it enlisting in the Navy or finishing up his Bachelor’s degree, chances are he will be moving on soon as well.

Addi is a Sophomore and has expressed an interest in enlisting as well. Something tell me he will do as Joe did and once he finishes up his Junior year will start exploring his options and then picking a branch.

As for the younger boys-time is flying by faster than I wish as a mother.

And so, as Roy likes to tell me, there will come a day when I wake up in the morning and my only responsibility will be to him, our home and myself. No more lunches to make or give out money for. No more fights over the last bit of Cocoa Krispies to mediate. It will just be he and I-together.

And if the people I have the strongest bond with are gone, what would become of me? Would I become the mother people laugh at in comedies-the one that calls their son 15 times a day just to chat?

I’ll always be a mom, no matter what happens, but there will come a day when my role as a mother will take on a more passive (for lack of a better word) role, and I don’t want to be left floundering.

No, my strongest bond is with the man I chose to spend my life with, the man that raises our children at my side.

Over two years ago, Roy and I drove our son to the navy recruiter’s office.  NOT to enlist-he’d already done that the previous year. No, we took him there to say goodbye.  Joe was about to start this journey with the US Navy.

Proud can’t begin to describe how we felt, but as a mom-all I could see was my little boy.  The little boy that used to be afraid of the water, the one that loved to go to the store for a 'candy bomb.’ (what he used to call a candy bar)  

That little boy was 18, and about to leave home.

What the next two years brought was intermittent phone calls, an occasional letter-late night or early morning texts.  Joe was going through a rigorous program that would take the better part of two years. Breaks were few and far between, time off came during the dead of night.  

But he hung in there-he pushed, and he pulled, cried and fought and he finished the program.

And at nine thirty last night-he walked in the door. Home for a month!

Corey doesn’t have classes during the summer-and though he works alot, he is here.

Hayden and Dean are home for the summer, and in a few short weeks Addi will get back from visiting his grandparents.

What does this mean you ask?

It mean, this mom of five boys will have all her babies at home! For a few glorious weeks-all our boys will be back under one roof!

I’m so happy right now, I could burst!

Sooo, I make a pact with myself to spend more time giving in to my feelings of restlessness when it comes to writing…and than I don’t write for four day?  Go figure!

It could be because our timeline got moved up.

What timeline you ask?

Well, I’ll tell ya,  Hayden is a Freshman this year, Dean is in fifth grade-so he’ll start middle school next year, and Roy works about 60 miles from home. NOT horrible, until you factor in rush hour traffic.  Sometimes, Roy gets into the office in an hour an a half, sometimes it take twice that-my goal was to move the summer before Hayden’s junior year.  That would give him two years at a new high school, Dean would have two years at the middle school before moving into HS, but my husband is beat.  With the new position he accepted, he’s going in almost daily-and I know it’s hard on him.  So, we’re looking to move in just a few months!

Ugh, I said it out loud

We’ve been here so long, I forgot why I dislike the process.  Getting the house ready, finding a new house…and than there’s THE PURGE.

I decided to start small, something no one could have any say over-my closet.  I listed items on ebay, I put aside items for a yard sale-and felt accomplished until I looked at my closet.  Pretty sure it looks no different.  When did I accumulate so much stuff?  

To be fair, Roy’s side of the closet looks similar.  I tell the man he needs to purge and he gives me two t-shirts-out of the 50 he owns-though he only wears about 10.  He has a t-shirt that he wears constantly (I wash it, he wears it-vicious cycle) that I can see through-I kid you not.  It didn’t start out like that, he just wears it constantly!  To boot-it says Grooveshark (does anyone even remember what that is?) and he got it for free!  Not that there’s anything wrong with promotional swag-I love my pens, but when it’s starting to disintegrate, maybe it’s time to move on?

Now, for my case I realized I have way to many shirts with goofy sayings.  Some I bought for the specific purpose of basketball games-I have a few with sayings, or Hayden’s number, etc.  But most say ridiculous things like, “More Tacos please.”  I’m not sure why I need three shirts that say that-especially when all are just different shades of grey.  

And you’d think when the shirts hold no real sentimental value it would be easy to let go of-apparently, it is not.  You never know when you might find yourself in desperate need of tacos and maybe you’ve lost your voice?  I don’t know…

And let’s not even get in to my legging collection.  Now, in the winter I do wear them-daily for the most part.  I wear tunics and leggings, or a sweater and leggings, etc.  They’re warm and cute-the more colorful the better!  But I’m short, so specific brands fit me best-so why do I have pair after pair that are too big? 

I think there was a time when I bought clothes to make myself happy-I was feeling out of sorts, sad-and when I worked through that-I was left with a packed closet.  And so, THE PURGE commenced.

I truly hope the kitchen isn’t like this-or you’ll find me crying in the shower…