We live in a suburb of Northern Virginia, though let me say that just recently our little slice of the world was put into that area that Northern Virginia encompasses - so I guess we live in Northern Virginia. Close enough to DC to take advantage of what it has to offer, but not so close that we pay the inflated prices.
When we bought our home, Roy expressed some concerns. He didn’t know if I would be happy out here. I was used to running to the mall to window shop during a slow afternoon, or having more than a handful of restaurants to choose from if we wanted to go out. But I pushed aside his concerns, and told him I was thrilled. I WANTED to raise the boys in an area like this - a place where they recognize you, where they know your name. And then the kids got older…
It isn’t just that kids do stupid things sometimes, and that since everyone is up in everyone else’s business, people know who to blame. No, that I can deal with for the most part. What’s tough for me is wondering if our kids get a fair shake. And to be clear, I don’t just mean my kids - I mean the new kids on the block, the new faces. Though we have lived here for over ten years, Roy and I don’t get involved with everything that comes our way. He has a demanding job, I have the house, pets and boys to take care of. We like volunteering, and do it when we can, but we simply don’t have the time, or maybe more importantly the inclination to be everywhere at once.
Unfortunately, our little town still very much operates under that ‘good ole boy’ banner. Certain families are wedged in deep, and no matter what the sport, or activity they are right at the forefront.
Now, I suppose you might ask where this is coming from. Well, we’ve been her almost 11 years, so we’ve seen it. We particularly see this where sports are concerned. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are kids that are very athletically inclined - kids that are pretty good at most sports. They have that natural ability, and grace. But from years of being an elite athlete in my own right, of having a husband that is very athletic, having kids that fit into this mold, I also know NO ONE is amazing at EVERY sport. One or two, sure…. six or seven-no.
Now, I know someone is going to read this and think “she’s mad about something” or “they just think their kid is the exception to the rule.” Nope. That’s not it.
However, I will admit, I’m perturbed. Hayden loves basketball. HE LOVES IT. I enjoy watching it, I know a bit about the sport, but I’m not a player. Roy is. Joe is a sports fan, and is well versed in basketball too. But the bottom line, for me anyway, is I know someone has some skills when I see it. And I trust my husband’s opinion. Hayden has some skills, but most importantly he loves the game and he has heart. When I was swimming, I was never the biggest, never the strongest, but I had heart. I wanted to win, I wanted to cut time, and I believed I could do it, and because of that, I would go up against anyone, anytime. Swimming against those faster than me, made me work harder. I see a lot of that in Hayden. He might not be as competitive as I was, but he believes in what he’s doing. He believes in his skills, and when he tries out for the school team and gets cut, it’s hard to swallow.
Roy told me right out he was afraid this would happen - mainly because there were only 15 slots and 7 returning players. Though the coach didn’t say it, we (meaning the parents in the audience) were under no illusion that our kids were really competing for those 'extra’ 8 positions. Roy was pretty sure it would go down this way… The returning players will get the first look. The good ol’ boys will get the second. And the rest get scanned over a bit. The only way those new faces get in is to stand out. And that doesn’t always mean skill. Maybe height. Maybe hair style. That’s up to the coach. Maybe you made some amazing plays during try outs, but the coach was watching someone else.
I coached swimming for years, and it’s natural to fall back on our givens. There are kids we know we can count on to get the job done. When I needed someone to swim a butterfly, I knew there were a handful of kids I could count on to get the job done. It was a constant battle to remind myself to look outside the box-and sometimes when I remembered to do so, I was surprised. But I had to remind myself to do it. I had to stop myself from entering the same kids in the same events, and to shift the balance so to speak-and it took me a few years to realize I was doing that.
And perhaps because of my own experience, I wonder if maybe the coach last night wasn’t doing the same thing. Was he only looking for the tall kids-and was he automatically dismissing the scrappy, shorter boys? Was he looking for someone that could grab that rebound and forgetting about the floor game? Was he focusing more on the older boys, and forgetting that there are 6th graders he’s never seen before? Did he know that kid’s dad? Did he even see Hayden play?
We don’t know - and here is my beef.
As a coach, I know there comes a point when you have to make cuts. You need to whittle down the herd - to put it bluntly. BUT by refusing to allow parents to be there when you do so, means we don’t get to see how you handle our children, nor do we get the chance to ask what our kids need to work on. Nor do we get to see our kid play and interpret what we think they need to work on ourselves.
Now, I freely admit I was surprised when Hayden got cut, but I was also worried that IF he did, he would be too discouraged to HEAR what else he needed to here. Did he lack the stamina? Does he need to work on his agility? Footwork? Dribbling? And he missed that-because he was hurt-like any 11 year old boy would be.
When the second group came out (the cut group), I saw anger, hurt, surprise, defeat, and even a few tears on their faces. There is NO doubt in my mind that Hayden wasn’t the only one to 'not hear’ what he could work on, what could and couldn’t be done for next time. If the coach even offered it. I also know that the coach gave out incorrect information-that I bet some of the parents might have been able to correct had we been allowed to be there.
And yes, there is always the chance that some parents would overreact. BUT, I’m always surprised at how supportive the parents were, and for every crazy parent, you get five that are willing to hear you out.
Roy and I have both coached youth sports, and as such, I think it’s harder for us to sit back and simply say, “Coach’s word is law.” On the other hand, we know what goes into being a coach, and if you are willing to work with us, we are more than willing to work with you.
Ultimately, I sit here and wonder- was Hayden really not good enough to make the cut? Or is it because we lack that 'last name.’ As try outs were 6th grade through 8th, was Hayden treated fairly at the 6th grade level? I hope so. I also realize that I HATE to see my little guy disappointed, especially when I know how hard he works.
But in the end, there is our local rec league.
“Mommy, I’m going to work my butt off, and see if I can make the All Star team,” Hayden told me this morning as he was getting ready for school.
And so, this mom realized that even though I was butt hurt about my little boy getting cut, our little guy has a pretty great attitude about the whole thing. And isn’t that what we wanted?
Lesson to Mom.