Anna Maria Chavez is the current CEO of Girl Scouts of the USA.  

15) Get Them Involved in Community Service

good advice, but I don’t like the idea of kids faking their way through something to simply pad their college applications.  I saw a lot of this when I was in high school.  The ‘over-acheivers’ (my mom’s moniker for them, not mine) would volunteer at soup kitchens, pet shelters, homeless shelters, etc so that they had something extra for their college applications.  And that’s fine, but they would then turn around the ridicule the people that were seeking help from these organizations.

If you were nasty at school, is it really that far off the mark to think that they people you were supposed to be helping couldn’t sense your disdain?  And to make it worse, don’t you think many of them already had enough to deal with?

I want my kids to help others, but I want them to do it from the heart, NOT because they want to look good to someone else.  Corey will give a dollar here and there to help charity, Hayden puts his change in the Salvation Army pots around the holidays.  They might help kids at school struggling in a certain subject.  

I don’t want to force them to help others, rather I think trying to set an example is a better way to go about this.  Let them see Roy and I helping out a neighbor, or donating our time and money.  They will grow up seeing that helping others should come from an honest place, rather than the desire to make someone THINK you are doing a good deed.

I think one of the hard things about parenting is facing the day when your kids realize you aren’t perfect.  You don’t walk on water, you can’t stop speeding trains, you can’t catch bullets with your teeth, and yes, you make mistakes.

With five boys in the house, we have kids at all stages.  Dean is only three and right now, mommy and daddy can do no wrong.  He falls and (most of the time) the one thing he needs is a kiss and hug from mommy or daddy and all is right with the world.  Daddy is a larger than life gamer extraordinaire that can carry him around on his shoulders all day.  Mommy has a soft chest that he can cuddle on, and a few kind words reduces her to mush.  To Dean, we are his world.  Occasionally, he will let others in - his brothers when he is in the mood, he might grace his grandparents with one of his toothy grins, but for the most part it’s all about mommy and daddy.

Hayden has passed this stage, but he is still young enough that he thinks mommy and daddy can solve all his problems.  Usually that means we can drive him to the store and spend money to get him his heart’s desire, but occasionally it’s protecting him from a bully, taking care of a sick tummy, or rushing him to the ER for stitches or X-rays.  But he is also starting to realize that moms and dads aren’t always right.  He likes to point this out when I try to talk to him about Pokemon or Call of Duty, but he has also seen us upset, crying, yelling, screaming, and generally acting like fools.

And then we have the three older boys.  Addi constantly pushes the limit.  The boy will argue with us about anything and everything.  If I let him, he will argue with me about the color of my shirt!  He knows we aren’t perfect, he knows we don’t know everything, and he is at the age where he LOVES catching us doing or saying something wrong.  It’s even better if he thinks he knows the right answer.  What’s tough about this age is there are times when HE is wrong, but will argue until he is blue in the face, and then the few times he is right, we are so annoyed, we don’t want to give in and admit it!  On the other hand, he also knows that.

But what is tough is the older two boys.  They are old enough to have their own minds, to have developed their own code, if you will, of what is and isn’t acceptable.  Sure, sometimes it is a little skewed, but for the most part we respect their feelings.  And when we make a mistake, that makes it that much harder.  They are 15 and almost 17, yes, but they still look up to us.  They still want our advice.  They want us to tell them that, yes, their opinion matters, and it’s ok to follow it.  They want to know that as they make their way in this world, we have their back.  We are their safety zone, and so when I (as I won’t speak for Roy) make a mistake, I feel just a little tarnished in their eyes.

I posted before that I don’t believe my children have to respect me simply because I gave birth to them.  No, we have worked hard to EARN their respect.  I don’t want respect out of fear or obligation.  No, I want my kids to respect us because we have worked to earn that privilege.  And I think Roy and I have.  We expect them to take responsibility for their mistakes, but we make sure they know we still have their backs.  We will also keep them in line when necessary. That’s not to say we won’t let them learn some mistakes the hard way.  But, that’s because we believe in THEM.

And so, when I disappoint them, it hurts all the more.  I am no fool.  I don’t believe I will go through life NOT disappointing my kids.  But there is a difference between, say them being disappointed because I won’t buy them Call of Duty 22 and them being disappointed because I didn’t do something I promised I would.  There is a difference in them being disappointed because they don’t get to go out because they are grounded, and them being disappointed because I took my bad mood out on them.

And yet, one thing that is easier is apologizing.  The boys are forgiving, they are kind kids, and if we take responsibility for our mistakes, they are the first people to let it go and move on with life.

They know that a few days of the month are hard for me, and they do try to make things easier on me.  (No, it isn’t just hard for me hormonally; physically I can be in rough shape as well.) But if i snap at them, the older boys get it.  They understand that mom doesn’t really care if their pen rolled off the table onto the floor.  While the little boys just see that mommy is mad and will cry and carry on, the older boys can point out my attitude.  I will often apologize, and they will hug me, and we move on.  Once in awhile, I am actually offended that they caught me being a hormonal mess and called me on it, and so I tell them to bugger off.  They might shrug and walk away.  Often they will tell Roy I am PMSing, and I fuss about that, but they are old enough to GET IT.

And I think they get it because in the end they know… Mom would do anything for them.  Mom would lay down her life for them, and so they understand that sort of loyalty, that feeling of protecting my babies is stressful, it is a hard role to fill, and they let me slide sometimes.

This is a sticky situation for me. I have five boys-they are all good kids for the most part, so I like to think I’m doing something right. On the other hand, I only have boys, and I can tell you from experience this past year with our niece we learned first hand that there ARE differences between boys and girls.

Oh, sure a lot of it’s the same. All kids want to know they’re loved, they want attention, they want boundaries set, and they want to eat, but a lot of it was different. For me the big thing was the hair. I’m pretty simple with my own hair, I have boys-three of whom have buzz cuts, and all of a sudden here is this little girl wanting braids and pigtail-ARGH!  I’m a failure in that department. 

Though I do think some of the differences Roy and I noticed had more to do with simply growing up in our house vs not growing up here.

I have a BIG bark-when I get mad the kids get scared, but for the most part my annoyance fizzles out pretty quickly. The boys know that, it took our niece some time to get used to that.

We have a hectic household-five kids, a dad, a mom, three dogs, fish, etc, etc…my niece is an only child.

Environmental issues, if you will.  One would think that I would be ok dishing out advice, and I always have an opinion on things, know doubt about that, but actually giving advice is tough. I know what works for me, I know my kids, my household, but I might not know your’s.

And so I wonder, am I the only one that stresses something to the tune of, “Well, this worked for ME…” just so that I can acknowledge that I understand my way isn’t always the right way?

On another forum that I am active in, a simple question often leads to long conversations about how the original poster is parenting wrong, and yet no real details were given. Nothing specific was said, and yet complete strangers feel the need to dissect and dismember the OP and turn it into a platform for their way of parenting.

I realize that sometimes it’s easier to do that online. You can hide behind your anonymity. The consequences to your ‘advice’ will most likely be nothing more than some harsh words from another poster, most of us can handle that right?

But in 'real life’ our advice can have much more concrete consequences. A friend’s hurt feelings, a spouse’s tears, or depending on what was said, anger.

Nope offering parenting advice is a crap shoot, one that often times isn’t worth the risks-unless a child is in physical, emotional or mental danger-then you have to roll the dice.

Angela Bassett rocked as Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got to do With it?.”  She has been married to fellow actor Courtney B Vance for almost 16 years and she is the mother of 7 year old twins.

9) Say No-See, we get conflicting information here.  In recent years, I have read more than one article in parenting magazines saying to NOT say no so much.  Kids need to experience the world, they need to learn to navigate the ins and outs of life, and they can’t do that if Mom/Dad is constantly hovering over them and making all the decisions for them.  We need to give our kids some leeway, give them some slack in the proverbial leash we want to keep on our kids.

What I think we are being told to say “NO!” to is material things.  That cool new toy the kids claim everyone has, the new iPod that will make them the coolest kid on the block, or a car in the driveway on their 16th birthday.

Our kids want instant gratification.  They want something, and they want it now.  This is one thing I have a hard time doing, especially with the two younger boys.  A part of me supposes I am of the mindset that since we can afford it, why not?  And for the most part, depending on the situation, I am fine with that mentality.  As long as they are humble and appreciate what others do for them, what is the harm?

On the other hand, the younger boys are having a tough time understanding all of this.  A little beyblade here, another one there, and all of a sudden I’m getting asked to go to the store on a daily basis.  It isn’t that I have a problem denying the boys, it’s the idea that I have to explain things.  We don’t have the money now, I’m too tired to go to the store, etc, etc.  I’m the mom, if I say no, it means no, and that should be good enough.

So, I’m practicing this-saying “NO!”  It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I think I’m making progress.

This is a group over on Facebook.  I admit to looking at some of the tattoos, but one thing really irks me.

The declarations that “just because I have tattoos, doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids.”

Now, I’m not saying it’s never happened, but has ANYONE with a tattoo ever had their parenting skills questioned because they have a tattoo?  I mean in a overly obvious way?

Has a teacher ever said, “Well, you have a tattoo..so obviously you aren’t a good parent, I should probably call child services?”

Has a day care provider, implied that because you have ink you are probably too ignorant to properly change a diaper?

I mean, where do all these declarations come from?

Ok, Yes, I know they come from the parents, that are posting them…but WHY?  What has ever been said to you that makes you think someone finds you iffy because you have tattoos?

I was reading thedaddycomplex (VERY funny, btw) and finally figured something out.

I am the most amazing, awesome, totally rockin’ Mom to teenagers in the entire world!

Yep, I said it… now where’s my tiara?

How did I get this title?  Well, it seems that I have it all figured out!  Sure, I get into it with my kids - I am speaking of my two oldest right now.  They are 17 and 16.  We fuss and argue occasionally.  Once in awhile, they REALLY piss me off.  Sometimes, I totally piss them off, but (and here’s the shocker!) I actually like my teens!  And (OMG, get ready for it…) I think they actually, kinda really like Roy and I.

Bull S**T! you say.  No, really!  They really, really like us.

We must not discipline them, you yell.  Well, no, we don’t discipline them a whole lot.

You KNEW it!  (I know that’s what you’re thinking!) We are lazy, lax parents.  Nope, we just have pretty good kids that understand what is and isn’t acceptable in our house, and they rarely cross that line.

OHH… so they’re scared of you guys?  Why, yes, we really are monsters. 

NO, we aren’t!  I’m being sarcastic.  Ok, yeah, I have a temper, and if you piss me off, it can get ugly, but I think (wait for it… wait for it…) our kids respect us.  They know we have their backs.  They know we trust them, but they also know we’ll call them on their crap, and since I used to be full of crap as a teen, they also know that we know all the tricks out there.

So, if you are the parent of a newborn, baby, toddler, kid or tween, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to “ruin” your teen’s life to parent them right. 

I will be offering my new Parenting a Teen classes on Tumblr in the future.  Stay tuned. ;-)

It is isn’t it?  It isn’t easy, it hard.  For EVERYONE.

No matter what your relationship status-married, single, living together-you will be presented with your own unique set of challenges.  Two parents in the home doesn’t mean you will be worry free.  It doesn’t mean there will always be money to do what the kids want to do, to buy them everything their hearts desire.  It doesn’t’ mean that your child/ren will be perfectly behaved.

Just like being a single parent means you are doomed to wander the earth alone.  It doesn’t automatically mean that your children will be left to raise themselves because you are working 12 jobs.  (I know I’m being glib there)

There was a time when the “Mommy Wars” was all about working moms vs SAHM, now it’s about single parents vs I don’t know….two parents, married couples, living together people…who knows.

I know single parents that have very involved exes/partners.  The parents use their heads and realize that just because the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean the kids should suffer, and they find a way to work together. 

I know kids who live with one parent and rarely if ever see the other parent, but the custodial parent learns to deal with things.  They reach out to family, friends, neighbors if need be.  They cultivate relationships with other parents so that their kids can partake in some of the things kids like to do-dance class, sports, or playdates.

I know parents that want to be martyr’s to their kids and everyone that sees them. They complain that they are alone, no one will help them, but they refuse the help of others or worse refuse to let others even know they might need help.

I know married couples in which both parents work.  If there are older kids, they are sometimes asked to pick up some of the slack, and many of these kids do so willingly.

I know married couples in which one parent stays home. Roy and I fall into this category.  Sometimes we have really good days, other days are hard as hell, and I wonder if giving up my job coaching was the right thing to do.  But we make it work.

And THAT is the key phrase-we make it work.  We aren’t perfect, though some days seem pretty darn perfect to me.  A day at the mall with the boys doing some fun shopping, and then lunch at a new restaurant.  Or a day just being at home-the kids running around with friends, and Roy and I taking a moment to relax together. 

Other days are crazy.  Yesterday, Hayden didn’t want to get up and when I told him he had school he proclaimed (for the first, though I am sure not the last time) that:

“I don’t want to go to school!”

“I know, you’re tired.  Go to bed earlier.” I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the kids in the morning, I admit.

Hayden flopped out of bed, “This is why I hate you!”

This isn’t the first time I have heard this, and over the years this horrific declaration hurts less and less.  I know Hayden doesn’t hate me, so I just did my thing.

Then Corey and I got into a beef.  I hate when the kids have to go to school and we are annoyed with one another.

Then my stand mixer broke.  Though, Roy was able to fix it, so YEAH!

Yesterday was crazy, but you deal with it.  It’s what you do.

The point is-whatever your ‘parenting status’ might be, there are ways to deal with it.  Ways to take the pressure off, if you choose not to explore ANY of those options, that’s on you.  Yes, there will be times when we have to break our kids heart, but that’s also part of parenting, and that isn’t exclusive to single parents or working parents. 

I have bad days as a mom, and I vent to Roy or friends, and while it’s nice for them to sympathize with me for a moment, I don’t expect them to enable me to stay in a funk day after day.  I don’t expect them to constantly agree with me that my life sucks. 

The biggest part of being a parent is simply that BEING a parent.  You find a way to make things work, and if you can’t know it isn’t going to work because you exhausted all options, not because you simply don’t want to try.

I just finished reading a post on Blogher that well, I found a tad insulting.

And before I begin let me say this, there’s nothing wrong with having an opinion different than the person next to you.  There’s nothing wrong with sharing that opinion, but sometimes how you phrase things can make a world of difference.

Basically, this mother is saying she refuses to let her children attend (the children in question are 7, 9 and 12) sleepovers because she doesn’t trust other parents.

Though I think that is overly simplistic.  It’s fine to be leery of people you don’t know, but to say you don’t trust a person you don’t know is hmm…what’s the right word here?  Silly, ridiculous…I don’t know.  I’m not saying you have to trust the person down the road with your life, but if they haven’t done anything to make you not trust them, well, what the heck if the problem?

I always thought trust was earned.  It was something I gave someone because they’ve shown me they are trustworthy.  It isn’t something you have from me, until you lose it.  If I don’t know you, my trust was never yours to lose in the first place!  On the other hand, children are by nature social creatures.  They want to run, jump and play-and I completely dig that my children HAVE friends, so guess what…I make it a point to know their parents.  Will I ever know every sordid little detail about them?  NO, but guess what I don’t know every sordid little detail about my husband and my parents either!  And my husband and my parents are three of the people I trust most in this world-the other three being my inlaws and my sister…and guess what?  I don’t know all their dirty secrets either!

See, I learned a long time ago to trust my gut when it came to my kids.  If something felt off, I listened, and it has served me well.  Have my kids led mistake free, perfect lives..heck no, but guess what?  I think they are doing just fine, despite all of that.

And let’s move on to the next issue.  The author basically said she is leery of teenage boys, unless she knows you.  Umm…I bet all those women who were married to men that abused their children thought they knew their husband’s too!  Am I being bitchy?  Probably, but to live under the assumption that it’s only the people you DO NOT know that you have to worry about, is ridiculous, especially when most cases of rape/molestation the victim knew their attacker.  (I am not positive of the statistic, but when I visited the rape counseling center, I think it was something like 57%)  It is also ridiculous if not downright insulting to assume that it’s ONLY teenage boys you need to worry about.  

It’s ridiculous to assume that a home with two gay fathers/mother’s is MORE sketchy than a home with a more ‘traditional’ set of parents.

I personally, don’t care if you don’t let your kid come to my house for playdates, or sleepevers-less work for me.  But I WOULD be insulted if the reason is because you don’t trust me, especially if you don’t even know me well enough to make that call.

Perhaps it’s simply semantics or wording-it isn’t the fact that you dont’ trust me, it’s that you don’t KNOW me.  Ok, so get to know me, get to know the parents of the kids your children like to play with-seems like common sense to me.

But what I worry about as a mom, is putting my own fears, my own hang ups on my children.  I was sexually assaulted at the age of 17.  Was it my fault?  No, but I would be lying if I said that I willingly put myself into a bad spot.  And because of that experience, I wonder if a part of me isn’t happy I don’t have girls.  I wonder if I had a daughter/s if I would be MORE protective of them.  Would I put my experiences onto them, and hold them to a different standard than my boys?

Sitting here, right now, I don’t think I would, mainly because I don’t raise cowards. Again, bitchy, probably, but it’s the truth.  I’m not going to raise my children to fear the unknown, or to live in fear because something happened to me.  I’m not going to deny my children a new experience because something MIGHT happen.  If we want to play that game, why are public schools still open?  Why do we still let teenagers drive?  Why do we still sell guns to private citizens?

Life happens, and as much as you want to protect your children, sheltering them isn’t always the answer.  Saying you trust no one and living as if the boogie man is around every corner creates young adults that are being sent out into the world with a skewed view of said world.  It’s setting them up for a life of solitude and fear.  Is that a guarantee?  Of course not, but I’m willing to bet if you don’t teach your kids HOW to trust they are gonna have some issues!

I want to debunk a few more parenting myths. Well, let me say two parenting myths and one myth about women in genereal.

Myth 1 - You have to spend so much money on kids. Yes, babies need a lot of stuff.  And yes, a lot of it is BS.  You don’t NEED a Boppy.  You don’t NEED a changing table.  You don’t NEED a bunch of cute little baby outfits… BUT, if you want them, buy them!  I have been asked by first time parents what to buy, and I could tell them what in my opinion was the most valuable thing, but the bottom line is… buy what you want!  Now, be realistic.  If you can’t afford it, don’t buy an $800 stroller.  It is going to get trashed, (IF your child uses it) just like a $200 one.  But don’t buy a $20 car seat!  Your child needs the best you can afford in that regards - IMO.  On the other hand, we bought a nice stroller system (Roy put his foot down and said no to the $700 one I pointed out, and I am glad he did!), easy to fold, not too heavy, cool pattern and came with a car seat - but Dean HATED the stroller.  I think we used it three time, and for the most part it was a padded shopping cart.  Knowing Dean was like that, I spent my money instead on a really lovely, comfortable, and easy to use baby carrier.  It wasn’t cheap, but in the end, it was money well spent.  The fancy stroller, not so much.  I breastfed Hayden and Dean for about a year, not everyone does that, but IF you do nurse… get some GOOD nursing bras.  If you bottle feed, do some research and get the best bottles you can afford.  Do you need a bottle warmer? It’s up to you.  Same thing with a wipe warmer… get one if YOU want one.

Truth - What is unnecessary to me, might be a necessity to you.  So, I’ve learned to give my opinion here carefully.  It isn’t MY money being spent, so if you want to buy a beautiful bedding set, go for it! But you really don’t HAVE to spend a fortune.

Myth 2 - You have to save money for college. I would LOVE to be able to send my kids to college and just write a check and call it a day.  But I can’t.  (Ok, maybe community college.)  And instead of beating myself up about it, and trying to save for it, Roy is making sure (and I agree with him) that we are saving for OUR retirement.  The kids have SO many options to pay for college, not so much when it comes to us in our old age.  I can’t go and take out a loan to pay for my golden years, but the kids can for college.  

Truth - You (and the kids) have options for college - lots of them.  You don’t for retirement. Especially these days.

Myth 3 - 30 is OLD! WHY do we, and by we I mean women, buy into this crap?  Sorry, it is ‘crap’ too.  I am almost 38… closer to 40 than I am to 20. Hell, I’m closer to 40 than I am to 35… and you know what?  YEAH ME!  My 20’s weren’t all that.  I had my kids young, and we struggled.  Sure, not everyone did that.  Some people went to college.. .ok, maybe ya partied and had some fun… but you still had to attend class, right?  You still had homework, papers to do, projects.  You still had to worry about getting good grades.  And then you had to worry about getting a job, and then paying the bills.  Maybe you had to worry about paying back a student loan.  You might have been playing the field, so you had to worry about first dates, and hope for a second if that first one went well.  You had to get to know people, and HOPE you liked what you found out.  You had to find you.  Guess what?  At 37… I’m done with all that!  Who said 30 is old?  Seriously, why is turning 30 a big deal?  Seriously, if someone can answer that, I would truly appreciate it, cause I would love to know the answer.  It’s a number. That’s it!  If you approach your 30’s with the mindset that you are old, your best years are behind you, etc… you wont’ enjoy all the wonderful things that come with getting a bit older.  Notice I said OLDER, not old!

Truth - 30 is NOT old.

Sooo, I make a pact with myself to spend more time giving in to my feelings of restlessness when it comes to writing…and than I don’t write for four day?  Go figure!

It could be because our timeline got moved up.

What timeline you ask?

Well, I’ll tell ya,  Hayden is a Freshman this year, Dean is in fifth grade-so he’ll start middle school next year, and Roy works about 60 miles from home. NOT horrible, until you factor in rush hour traffic.  Sometimes, Roy gets into the office in an hour an a half, sometimes it take twice that-my goal was to move the summer before Hayden’s junior year.  That would give him two years at a new high school, Dean would have two years at the middle school before moving into HS, but my husband is beat.  With the new position he accepted, he’s going in almost daily-and I know it’s hard on him.  So, we’re looking to move in just a few months!

Ugh, I said it out loud

We’ve been here so long, I forgot why I dislike the process.  Getting the house ready, finding a new house…and than there’s THE PURGE.

I decided to start small, something no one could have any say over-my closet.  I listed items on ebay, I put aside items for a yard sale-and felt accomplished until I looked at my closet.  Pretty sure it looks no different.  When did I accumulate so much stuff?  

To be fair, Roy’s side of the closet looks similar.  I tell the man he needs to purge and he gives me two t-shirts-out of the 50 he owns-though he only wears about 10.  He has a t-shirt that he wears constantly (I wash it, he wears it-vicious cycle) that I can see through-I kid you not.  It didn’t start out like that, he just wears it constantly!  To boot-it says Grooveshark (does anyone even remember what that is?) and he got it for free!  Not that there’s anything wrong with promotional swag-I love my pens, but when it’s starting to disintegrate, maybe it’s time to move on?

Now, for my case I realized I have way to many shirts with goofy sayings.  Some I bought for the specific purpose of basketball games-I have a few with sayings, or Hayden’s number, etc.  But most say ridiculous things like, “More Tacos please.”  I’m not sure why I need three shirts that say that-especially when all are just different shades of grey.  

And you’d think when the shirts hold no real sentimental value it would be easy to let go of-apparently, it is not.  You never know when you might find yourself in desperate need of tacos and maybe you’ve lost your voice?  I don’t know…

And let’s not even get in to my legging collection.  Now, in the winter I do wear them-daily for the most part.  I wear tunics and leggings, or a sweater and leggings, etc.  They’re warm and cute-the more colorful the better!  But I’m short, so specific brands fit me best-so why do I have pair after pair that are too big? 

I think there was a time when I bought clothes to make myself happy-I was feeling out of sorts, sad-and when I worked through that-I was left with a packed closet.  And so, THE PURGE commenced.

I truly hope the kitchen isn’t like this-or you’ll find me crying in the shower…